A Repository of Self Inserts
by Undying Soul98
Summary: Or: evidence that I totally haven't been sitting on my ass during all those long periods of time where I fail to update. A collection of SI stories I wish I had time to write, things I might someday still come to write, and those ideas I just want to get down onto paper.
1. A Crown Of Binary Code

**AN- welp, look at the time. *Checks calendar*. Has it been like seven months since last time I updated anything? Golly gosh, have I been unproductive!**

… **or** _ **have I?**_

 **Not gonna answer that one. Because yes, I could have done more. That's not to say I've done nothing- just that I've lost interest in my present works. So I've been working on other stuff on and off for the last year. And I figured "Why not post a few snapshots of potential story ideas I might someday use and/or replace my present non-existent update schedule with?". Thus, this is that. A fanfiction where I can dump everything I do in my off time. If things here get good reception, I might attempt to continue them (As I have** _ **far**_ **too many ideas). Meanwhile, you will also get sneak peaks at the actual things that will get uploaded.**

 **Oh yeah, for the record, if the title doesn't imply it, this will primarily showcase SELF INSERT STORIES. As that is the style of fanfiction I seem to be writing the most at this moment! Let this be the official warning- 'here be SI's!'.**

 **And now I'm gonna stop talking. Enjoy.**

 **Digimon: A Crown Of Binary Code**

 _Now that all the chaos has settled down in the Digital World, and that I seem to have more time on my hands than not on my plate (Apparently being a dictator requires less time than you expect it to once you begin delegating and people have figured out the futility in rebellion), I think that its about time for me to write down my 'adventure', the journey that led to me arriving here. An unexpected, dangerous chain of events that led to two things: incredible war and a crown upon my head._

 _I probably won't ever properly publish this, considering that it will highlight everything that led to this point so naturally includes all my flaws and mistakes which could be taken advantage off. Never the less, here is my Digimon Adventure._

 _It began with confusion and intrigue. I took small steps- in wonder and in fear- these steps grew larger, then I walked. The walk became a run- I sprinted into this new world in terror, chased by all sorts of things that wanted to eat me._

 _Yeah, those early days of my 'adventure' were terrifying._

I awoke to hear running water. Grudgingly, I opened one eye in annoyance, wondering which member of my family was the one wasting water like it was going out of business. Upon seeing the daylight streaming into my face I wondered if I had overslept again and my mum was punishing me by leaving my blinds open to disturb my sleep.

Instead, the light only caused my head to pound. The headache was deliberating and painful, making me unable to think straight. It certainly made me wonder what I had done to put me into a state like this. My head hurt, my throat was dry and it felt like I had slept funnily and rolled off my single bed- since my back felt like I had been left uncomfortably on the floor all night.

"What the hell happened?" I asked out loud, but received no answer. I listened harder, and could hear was sounded suspiciously like chirping, or that sound that bugs make when in large numbers.

Bugs? I live in the middle of the city- the most we get are flies. Very suspicious.

Finally my head stopped banging. And I could see again. And I said the only thing I could at the time.

"What the _literal_ HELL!?" I shouted. Because this wasn't my room. Obviously. Nor was it my house, or anywhere that could be possibly near it.

No. Everywhere around me stood exotic trees, wreathed in vines and bright colours, while flowers and wild bushes grew without human intervention. The canopy stretched over large expanses of the sky, the tips of many of the larger trees far higher than anything would normally grow in England. I was lying on my back in the middle of a BLOODY jungle. Because it was far too warm and humid, had bugs buzzing in the background, contained lots of horrible green things which would no doubt set my hayfever off any minute now, and was just typically somewhere that you DO NOT FIND ANYWHERE IN BRITAIN! Full stop.

I scrambled to my feet, no longer content to be lying around in an unfamiliar area. As I spun on my feet, just taking in the sheer size and untamed nature of my surroundings, I realised that I was dressed in the clothes I was certain I had been wearing the previous day- simple jeans, a t-shirt with an amusing Abridged Series reference on it ("Screw the rules! I have money!") and some slippers.

I would have laughed if it wasn't completely not funny. I was wearing slippers... in a jungle.

Okay David- think. Just _why_ are we in a jungle. It isn't exactly the sort of thing that occurs after a drunk night out, especially since me and all my friends are 17 so are unable to go out and get hammered anyway.

Last thing I can remember is it being an average Saturday night, with me on my laptop surfing through random stuff on the internet and too lazy to get changed. I think I... was electrocuted?

Yup- I can definitely remember a bright light, and a shocking sensation before my mind just goes "Nu uh- blackout". So probably electrocution.

Next question: what stupid chain of events link 'shocking experience' to 'abandoned in a jungle without adequate footware'?

"You know what, screw it." I finally decided out loud, liking to hear a friendly voice even if it was only my own. "Standing around and thinking isn't going to help me." Snort. Thinking. "However strange or unsuccessful a kidnapping, or however messed up a prank, or however boring a hallucination- fact remains, I am in a jungle."

I wish that I had watched Bear Gryll's or something, because I really have no clue how to survive in the wild. Except to drink my own urine, but that really wasn't relevant in this case.

Oh look! Running water!

Lucky me, that sound I had heard earlier was a small stream. And I was still thirsty, so at least the thirst problem can be immediately tackled.

Greedily, I gulped down the cool water in shaky handfuls, grateful for it in this hot weather that was already making me sweat. It was probably contaminated and just teeming with Ebola or something (With my luck anyway), but I couldn't bring myself to care.

Now with thirst gone, I needed to decide what to do now.

"Well... I could stand around and hope someone comes." I suggested to myself. "Humans can live without food for like a week or something, and with a water supply I could probably wait it out until help came."

"Nope." I responded sternly. "No guarantee for assistance, who knows that I'm here anyway? It would be boring as hell sitting out here with nothing to do, and ultimately its a jungle- I refuse to stay here for any more than I have to." Primarily, because I am a nocturnal indoors creature, happiest late at night browsing fanfictions. Secondarily, because spiders terrify me and there are ALWAYS tarantula's within jungles.

"So what then?"

"We walk, I guess." I put forwards the idea to the committee of me, myself and I. "Follow the running water, since civilisation always gather around water, and hope that I have not somehow been brought to a cannibal infested jungle in Africa."

"I'm pretty sure than those sorts of jungles are in South America. Like, does Africa have rain forests?"

I snorted. "Who cares? Either way, I'm getting the hell out of dodge."

Debating a moment more, I finally decided that despite my hatred for walking, that following the stream was probably a good idea. With three rounds of 'aye', I noted the direction of flow and began to walk.

XXXXXXXXXX

After a good hour of walking (Based on the watch I always wore on my left wrist), something broke the monotony of my walk. It involved Godzilla's younger cousins.

"RARRGGGGGHHH!" One moment all was quietish and peaceful, the next two giant figures crashed through the nearby treeline, smacking aside the thick trunks like they were twigs as one form was smashed through them. The aggressor followed behind, battering aside what remained with its huge form as it descended on the first.

I blinked in surprise. The figure that had been thrown greatly resembled a giant blue beetle. One several times taller than I was, with four long, thick claw tipped hands, giant teeth and a bigass V shaped horn on its head, but generally a beetle. The attacker was completely different, being what looked like a grey t-rex with black and red dash like marking covering its body, arms and face.

One part of me noted that the t-rex was winning at the moment. The other part of me realised that I had just seen a GIANT BEETLE being punched through a row of trees ahead of me and a GIANT T-REX following it! Like, what was I doing standing here and gawking? ITS A DINOSAUR! WHY OH WHY IS THERE A DINOSAUR?

"YAAARRGGGH!" The dino barrelled into the downed figure smacking into its outer carapace using its large spiked claws, using its sheer brute force to carve chunks into the other.

I screamed in shock and awe and fear (Because quite frankly they were both tall enough and strong enough to squish me like I was made of ice cream), and ran away from the conflict.

"ENOUGH!" Screamed a voice. I hoped that it was a voice of common sense here to inform me of why the universe wasn't making sense, but as I turned my head back I saw that the voice had instead come from the beetle as it forced itself to its feet, thrusting at the beast with its horn.

So now its a giant TALKING beetle. Lovely.

I kept running, fear pushing me onwards as I fled from the two titans now brawling it out by the river.

"MasterTyrannomon!" Bellowed the insect. "Today I finally kill you! I'll finally end this!"

"Like hell! I'll devour you myself, MegaKabuterimon!" The grey monster responded in a gravelly growl.

So they both talked, which didn't really help my situation at all.

"Master Fire!" The aggressive beast commanded, releasing a red aura as fire built up in its throat before the flames roared towards the insect. I rubbed my eyes. Nope- definitely fire.

Now, I wanted nothing more than to keep dashing away, but curiosity forced my feet to stop. I turned around completely, now a safe distance away, as it was now revealed that 'MasterTyrannomon' could breathe fire.

"Not so fast! Electro Shocker!" The insect gathered a ball of electricity in its hands, which he proceeded to throw at the flames, causing a massive explosion to erupt between them.

I could feel the force of the blast from where I stood, and could only gaze at the sheer destructive power before me. My mind was blank, my eyes wide in alarm and my heart beating like a drum.

"My god." I whispered. "If I hadn't run, I might have been caught in it." I left it unsaid. I could have _died_.

Suddenly, curiosity didn't seem good enough anymore. I turned my back to the battle which was now starting up once more, ready to cause even more damage to the surroundings, and fled away from the river and into the foreboding forest. I didn't want to die, so I had too run. I could contemplate the mysteries of thunder bugs and fire dinosaurs later.

XXXXXXXXXX

I sprinted through the foliage and ensnaring vines, tripping several times due to unseen hazards, but I ignored my scratches and carried on. I think I lost one of my slippers too, but that fact seemed unimportant. After wheezing to a stop due to my level of fitness (Otherwise lack if it), I pushed through it, running again as soon as I was able.

After doing this another two times, I collapsed to my knees in tiredness. I was certain I was safe now, but I was sure as hell regretting the sprint now. I literally felt like I was going to die.

"I'm alive." I stated. "I'm _alive_." I repeated. Suddenly I burst into laughter in sheer relief. Admittedly they weren't targeting me but each other, treating me as nothing more important than a leaf in a forest- part of the background- but merely by being there I could have been killed as collateral.

"A fire breathing, oversized lizard and a blue beetle whose class is an Electromancer. What bit of that makes sense!?"

In the real world, there aren't any dinosaurs alive any more, nor are there bugs which grow that big. In the real world, creatures can't control fire or manipulate electricity at such a fundamental level. In the real world, even if such things existed, they can't talk.

Yet here they do.

Perhaps before I could believe I had just been transported to South America or something as equally unlikely, but now there was no denying it. This wasn't a normal situation. There is no way things like that can exist in my limited view of the world.

"First things first, they exist. You aren't mad. Stop disbelieving them, because they could have eaten you whole. Until further notice, nothing is impossible." Yes. Wherever I was, I think that this was a rule I should at least temporarily follow.

"Second- they had intelligence. I can ignore this fact for now, along with the moral implications."

Really, in kill or be killed whether the thing trying to eat you can talk or not is irreverent.

"Three, there are probably other things out there." If fire lizards exist, then so do ice birds and elves, and others were in this jungle.

"Four, their _names_." They were really stupid, but I distinctly remember them calling each other 'MegaKabuterimon' and 'MasterTyrannomon'. Now, these names are familiar, or at least the style is.

The mon at the end brings back memories of my childhood, and reminds me of stuff like Pokemon and-

A though popped into my head.

"Nope. Not even going there." because that way lies madness.

"Its impossible!" like electric bugs.

"No! Its stupider than that!" but those names are still familiar, and the concept seems familiar.

"Seriously, this is a bad fanfiction now!" for something like the idea I was thinking could only happen in one of them.

"There is no way in _hell_ that they were actual DIGIMON!"

Yes. _That_ kids show I liked as a child. The one I always sat down to watch, and used to know like the back of my hand. The one including seven kids being thrown into another world called the Digital World, where very little makes sense and monsters walk the land. The one where the children go on to partner with several local creatures called Digimon to save the world.

I laughed again. "Okay, so there are... similarities."

How else did I wake up in a JUNGLE after being electrocuted for no good reason? If I had been kidnapped, surely I would have needed to be awoken sometime between the shock and waking up in a South American jungle. If I _had_ somehow been pulled into another world, albeit fictional, through weird Digital Means due to Digital Beings, then this would explain things.

And it would tell me why I saw a giant dinosaur and bug fight it out- because in Digimon, this shit happens all the time.

Thinking back, details of that series were beginning to stir. My mind flickered through all the characters I had loudly supported in front of the TV as they kicked the ass of the Monster of the Week and who's names I once knew off by heart. I was almost sure that I had seen a red version of that giant bug in the series somewhere.

I stared up at the sky and shouted indignantly. "REALLY WORLD? AM I _REALLY_ A SELF INSERT OF ALL THINGS!? WELL FUCK YOU TOO! IN DIGIMON AS WELL!? AT LEAST HAVE BETTER TASTES, YOU ASSHOLE!"

… Wow... that felt really good. Liberating. Getting it off my chest, it felt wonderful. Reality was stupid, since Self Inserts can't really happen. Yet, I was here anyway, and I couldn't really deny that being in the Digimonverse was impossible since I just saw two brawling with each other. So just getting to shout out my frustrations was brilliant.

Only, now every bloody critter here had probably heard my stupid declaration and was probably on its way here to chow down on me.

"You're an idiot, David." I told myself, rapping myself on the head with my knuckle. "You are so going to die." Except that I refused to. "And you should probably begin running."

So I did. Wearing only one slipper, in hostile fictional territory, I ran.

It was terrifying seeing those Digimon before, but as I carried on my random path (Due to having no landmarks anymore like the river), I consoled myself with the fact that I had probably been brought here for a _Reason_. No doubt that if this was a Self Insert style situation, I would had been called in as reinforcements by those four Digimon gods, and would be needed to help Tai and the gang save the world, and would undoubtedly receive a Digivice and Digimon. I hadn't gotten one yet, and if I was going to have one it would have probably been waiting for me when I woke up, but the thought cheered me up.

Perhaps once the terror had worn off, this might actually turn out to be an adventure.

XXXXXXXXXX

I was wrong. Utterly wrong. This wasn't a chance for wish fulfilment, but instead a nightmare. I was lucky before to have not bumped into any Digimon. The RNG was favourable as I walked along the river, but now lost in the middle of nowhere I had my next encounter literally a few minutes after.

"Ruuunnnn!" Came a cry of fear. "Run for your lives, guys! Dokugumon is coming!" Upon hearing the high pitched voice, I expected to see another giant dinosaur, so I was relived to instead see a small figure run out in front of me.

It was small, yellow and worm-like, while being minuscule enough that I could pick up and hold it if I really wanted to. If this WAS a Digimon, it would be a Rookie- the average power level.

"Run away!" It repeated, squirming off into the distance in a shocking burst of speed.

"Oh. That wasn't so bad." I commented.

Seconds later, several more creatures burst onto the scene. One was a green version of the worm from before, another was some sort of mushroom creature with little gloved fists and purple boots, and the last was one I recognised.

Yes. This had to be the Digital World, because that was most definitely a Palmon running past- the plant partner of that whiny girl Mimi stood out in my mind as a kid because it evolves- correction, _digivolves_ \- into an animate cactus with BOXING GLOVES. And one had just run past squealing about how she didn't 'want to be eaten alive yet!'.

Then almost as fast as they appeared, they followed the first worm and buggered off.

"Hang on." I said. "Didn't the first one say a Dokudokumon was coming, or something?"

I shrugged. Couldn't be worse than one of those titans from before. Even so, I'd better run after them.

Too late. The Digimon they had been running from had already appeared from amongst the trees. And it looked hungry.

Of all the things I had to meet face to face, why THIS? It had to be a giant FUCKING SPIDER! Truly, the embodiment of the Digital World has a will... and it hates my guts.

It stopped its pursuit of the four Digimon from before for a moment to regard me with its nine, beady emerald eyes. Acid drool dripped from its maw as it noticed that some prey had appeared and not run away in time.

I let loose a manly declaration that could be interpreted as a high pitched squeal.

In my defence, seeing a spider the width of my little finger in the bathtub was enough to get me to run away quickly, and just thinking of hand sized tarantula's gave me goosebumbs.

I'd say this monstrosity was just a BIT bigger than hand sized. A LOT bigger.

"What's this?" It asked, long tongue rolling as it studied me slowly backing away with terror in my eyes. "A human? I've never seen one before. Can you chew it? Can you bite it? Can you find them? Not around here anyway, or ever, for that matter. Interesting... interesting... a human..."

"Ummm... so since I'm so interesting, you'll let me go?" I asked hopefully/desperately.

Its large manacles clicked loudly. "Well, lets just say that I've always wondered what a human would taste like..."

Just my luck. I was going to die by being digested by a fictional spider larger than Gilgamesh King of Hero's ego.

I really wanted to cry right now, to curl up into a ball and sob at the hopelessness of it all, but I couldn't. No. I needed to _live._ But how? How can I get away from this thing? If I'd run at first maybe I would have gotten away when it had all the others to concentrate on too, but now it knew I was here and the thing was large enough to be Champion at least, so it could definitely outspeed me despite its large, bulky frame, and could outpower me too.

Think brain! THINK! Humans are weak and puny, but isn't it our brains that let us become a dominant force in the world? Wasn't it mind over matter that made mankind the top of the food chain? If I could never outpower it and could never turn to run away quicker than it could pounce at me, then maybe I could trick it?

Its a giant bug! Surely I'm smarter... right?

"Look! What's that behind you!" I shouted in alarm, pointing behind it. "MegaKabuterimon!"

"Where!?" The arachnid practically jumped on its long feet in fear upon hearing the name of the Ultimate level Digimon. Its eyes swung round wildly as it looked behind itself just to make sure that the titan in question wasn't actually sneaking up on it to eat its data. "Where?"

I never bothered to answer. Almost as soon as I spoke and it swivelled around, I capitalised on its distraction and sprinted.

Accelerating as fast as I could, I ignored the sound of the bug hissing upon realising it had been tricked. I completely blotted out the sound of "Poison Thread!" as a thick strand of web was launched towards me to ensnare and trap me like the fly in the parlour.

However, I had guessed that this would happen. In the few seconds I took to think of some stupid, potential way to escape, I assumed that this spider would obey stereotypes. I had chosen to dash not directly away but instead to the nearest tree. Quickly slipping behind its wide form just as the attack name was sounded, the web impacted the tree and not myself.

The first attack had failed and I was already running again, weaving in and out of the plants while trying not to be tangled. Maybe I stood a chance.

It was laughable just how delusional I was. I was a puny nerd stuck in a situation I couldn't possibly have prepared for, running from a faster, stronger creature that knew the area better than I did. Of course all the cards were stacked against me.

"Poison Thread!" The spider cried again. This time the shot didn't come from behind but from above. As I had been running, it had taken to the trees and was already spraying webs everywhere below it to try and tangle me.

"FUCK!" I cursed as the clearest path the freedom was blocked by webbing stuck between two trees. I turned suddenly, loosing all my gathered momentum as the hungry Champion scuttled towards me. "Damn this, damn it all!"

Another path, another block. And another. And again, and again. I was practically surrounded, with one path left to dash down. A few metres from the sole path leading to the freedom beyond this entangling maze of web, I looked down, only to see the low strand by my feet as one foot threw itself straight before its path. I tripped hard, grazing my knee and spilling blood through my jeans as I hit the ground.

I wanted to cry. I was dead now. DEAD. What could I do? How could I run? It was going to eat me, slowly and painfully. Its teeth were going to chomp through my body, and I was going to be digested slowly but surely. I could almost feel it chewing on me like a Greymon with a bone...

Hang on. I can't die yet. I don't want to! I can't! I have too much to do and-

No, monologue LATER! Up! UP NOW!

I pulled myself to my feet, my second slipper lost to the sticky web, and I kept running, with much less distance between myself and the predator.

I needed help. I needed something to change- some other factor or Digimon to interrupt. Damn it all, I needed a distraction, or help, or something! Where's a Dues Ex Machina when you need it?

"HELP!" I shouted out, desperately pinning all my hopes on something- _anything really_ \- being friendly. "HELP ME, PLEASE!"

"No one will hear your pleas." Rasped the swift spider. "In Stack Jungle the weak die and the powerful feed."

"Shut up!" I told it defiantly, putting my hands to my mouth to call again. "HELP!"

"Quiet..." It whispered, approaching me with urgency. "Just give up, lie down and let yourself be devoured. You won't feel a thing due to my neurotoxin, and I'll make your death quick..."

"SOMEBODY HELP ME!"

"Be silent!" It finally lost its temper. "Quiet before one of the bigger predators arrive! I refuse to share this meal!"

You know that image you always see in comics? The one where you see the main character suddenly get an idea, signified by a glowing light-bulb and a 'Ding!' of realisation? Well I just had a lightbulb moment.

"HELP ME!" I shouted even louder. "IT LOOKS LIKE I AM SEVERELY WEAK AND INJURED! JUST RIPE FOR THE PICKING! WHAT CAN I POSSIBLY DO TO DEFEND MYSELF AND MY DATA?"

The Champion suddenly looked worried- I grinned. I was right, it told me to be quiet because this is a _jungle_ , I saw two Ultimate's duking it out earlier, so of course there is always something higher in the food chain. To a fire breathing t-rex, this terrifying spider is just as much prey as I am.

"No! Do you want us both to be attacked?" It hissed, fury rolling off it.

"Yes." I told it with a straight face that only just hid how terrified I was of the hairy black thing with a skull and crossbone on its back. "Here's my ultimatum: either skip a meal for a change or I keep screaming until we both get served up extra rare."

"I'll eat you alive!" Screeched the Digimon.

"Like you didn't intend to do so already." I told it sarcastically. "Go."

"You insolent little-"

"NO! I AM UTTERLY UNARMED AND EASY PICKINGS FOR ANYTHING BIG, HUNGRY AND DANGEROUS! WOE IS ME!"

The spiders eyes flashed dangerously. "Poison cobweb!" Instead of webbing, the bug fired a blast of pure poison at me. I had head stories of those kids in science classes who get splashed by acid as really sick pranks and just how they turned out, and I had no intention to join them. I threw myself to the side, in the process falling onto one of the webs fired off earlier.

Shit. Now the panic was in _my_ eyes. My gambit had failed, since it wasn't reasonable enough to take the deal. And now I was stuck to this web in front of a pissed off spider. Doomed!

"OH NO!" I yelled quickly, once more, in a final desperate plea. "I AM TOO JUICY TO MOVE, AND WHAT IF SOMEONE GETS ME BEFORE ANYONE ELSE CAN EAT ME?"

"Cease this racket!" DokuDoki-somethingmon demanded. "Poison-"

"Leaf Cyclone." The declaration was confident, and with good reason. A literal cyclone of leaves swept through the jungle, cutting through everything in its path. Normally leaves are weak and frail, but these looked sharper and larger than a Pokemon's Razor Lead attack. All the trees in the attack's path were carved apart wherever the miniature blades passed... along with every web that was in its path.

"Petaldramon!" Hissed the Champion in fear.

I looked down, and almost fist bumped the air in happiness. None of the leaves had managed to strike me (The trees saving me from any hits) while the strand I had been stuck to had been severed at either end. I still had a bunch of web stuck to my chest, but I was free to move- which was glorious. I immediately began to crawl away, trying to remain out of sight.

"My prey!" Insisted Dokunonomon (God I keep getting its name wrong, I wish I remembered what it had been called by that worm).

"And now its mine." As the trees fell down due to the strain put on them, a beastial creature stomped forwards. Four legged with characteristics of leaves, coloured green with a wooden head surrounded by red leaves- like some sort of flower. Roots grew from its back like spikes and from its behind like a tail. "I am an Ultimate- Petaldramon- and in Stack Jungle the weak always die."

"Mine!" Dokidokumon repeated. As he did so, I continued to try and move away. Once the Champion inevitably fell to the stronger creature, I wouldn't have long left.

"No. _Mine_." The roots on its back suddenly became flexible, shooting forwards towards the bug like spears of death.

"Poison Cobweb!" The acid was as useful as could be expected- doing jack all. The champion was given no other chance to retaliate as two roots pierced through the eight legged creatures torso. In a shower of polygons and particles, the spider disappeared, reduced to data. Then the Ultimate stepped forwards and opened its maw- drawing the data into it, devouring the Digimon entirely.

If I had any doubts about being in the Digimon universe somewhere, they were gone now.

And now it was dead, I had no more time. Subtlety was out the window.

I sprinted.

Five steps later, a vine erupted from the ground and wrapped around my feet. One step more, then the vine pulled me off my feet and dragged me up into the air, holding me upside down by my foot.

And so ended my only chance to escape. "Shit." I said, again, once more cursing at the situation. I was no better off now- all the Godzilla Threshold does is force you to deal with a freakin' 164 foot tall lizard rather than the other monster you had unleashed it upon to murder.

Petaldramon stomped forwards lazily, stopping just in front of my hanging form.

Tears came to my eyes, and started to drip up my face as I waited for my death. This sucked! I was just a student, I knew nothing about anything of notice, and I hadn't even lived a quarter of my life yet! I didn't want to die, and now after only two hours in the Digital World I was going to be eaten.

Being a Self Insert isn't nearly as good as the Mary Sues make it out to be.

"Go on- finish it." I told Petaldramon, shutting my eyes and waiting. At least this Digimon would probably knock me out first (Hopefully), and I could barely deal with being eaten by a plant beast (Because it was better than being eaten by a spider).

"Very well." The Ultimate conceded.

Suddenly, the vine released me. With an "Oooff!" I fell to the floor in an unsightly pile.

To my utter surprise Petaldramon began to walk away, not giving me a second glance.

"Huuuhhh?" I said out loud in amazement. "I'm not dead? I'm _not_ dead? _I'm_ not dead? I'm not _dead_!"

But why? It should have eaten me. It _damn well said I was its prey_.

Despite myself and all common sense (I must have hit my head on the fall down), I called out. "Why didn't you eat me?"

The Ultimate turned back to me and snorted in amusement. "In Stack Jungle, the weak always die. You are human, an oddity in the Digital World in of itself. You are weak, squishy and puny. A Rookie could overpower you easily... yet you are not weak."

Isn't that a joke. I'm a teenage anime nerd stuck in a world of overpowered computer programs- strong is the last description of me.

"You should have been eaten by Dokugumon, a species physically better in every way. But you were stronger _in the mind_. I was here from the start, ready to devour the spider as soon as it stopped playing with its food. Instead of your screams, I heard your shouts. I heard you trick it. I heard your attempts to draw another predator near to try and escape with your life. And I _saw_ you."

It stared at me with its piercing yellow eyes. "I saw you use me as a distraction to buy time to escape. You USED _me_ , an Ultimate!" Its carved facial features shifted to what might have been a leer. "That takes guts, trying to reduce me to a puppet. Since you are strong in mind, and I am in a good mood after that nice meal, you can go."

I clambered back to my feet, and scratched the back of my head, unsure what to say. "Thank you."

It scoffed. "Don't give me your thanks. The strong don't give thanks; they take. I let you go not out of concern but out of curiosity. So I'll leave you with this warning, little human. Stack Jungle is filled to the brim with tough Digimon. This ecosystem embodies the state of this world- a 'Digimon eat Digimon' habitat. I am far from the only Ultimate that hunts here, and there are many more hungry Champions waiting for a bite, and who will be less generous than me."

"I'll remember that." I told it.

"See that you do. I would hate to have let a _weak_ person go. If I see you again, I'll eat you." It finished finally, then slipped back into greenery, travelling quickly away.

I watched it go and worried. I was lucky that my ploy had worked. Any other Digimon could have come and snapped me up after killing Dokugumon, and might have been less merciful. I came so close to death it was unreal. But I had gotten through somehow, and had got some useful lessons.

I was definitely in Digimon- all those creatures had 'mon' in their names and behaved similar to those in the TV series.

I was in a place called Stack Jungle- a place that was probably far too harsh to ever be a starting place for a lowly human like me. I could have survived a place like File Island where Champions were rare and Rookies and In Training Digimon were more common and friendly, but here in this Jungle everything was hostile and the foes far stronger than anything Tai and the others ever had to deal with until at least having a few Champion Digimon to back them up.

However, I wasn't Tai. I had no Digivice. I was given no Digiegg. I had no allies or friends to share the burden with. I had no Bullshit Deus Ex Machina to save my life.

But even so, this experience so close to death had taught me something. Petaldramon was correct- in here at least, strength was everything. I had always been smart for my age, being the sort of person to be in the top set for all my subjects and get B's or A's in everything, so my brain would need to be my weapon.

If I wanted to get out of this Jungle alive I'd need to sharpen my weapon to an edge, because if I made a single mistake I was deadmeat.

 **AN- and there we go, what would be the first chapter of a Digimon Self Insert. I've always liked Digimon as it was one of my first anime (With Tamers having a special place in my heart), and I've always wanted to tackle it, especially after reading Gardens of Babylon. Which will unfortunately** _ **never update again**_ **. So, just what sort of shit do I have in store for this fic?**

 **Well, person-that-didn't-ask, I'm glad that you asked! This is Digimon Adventures with all the childish elements removed, the tone of Tamers, and featuring the absence of most cliché SI tropes. Basically, I would want to cover what it would legitimately mean for a dude to be dropped into a world where everything can and** _ **will**_ **want to eat him, and where he will forever sit at the bottom of the food chain. More than that, how could someone possibly survive in the Digital World if they weren't a Special Snowflake chosen by the Powers Thay Be?**

 **That would be 'Part One' of three, with a regular human dumped in late-game territory, but who was unfortunate enough to have neither Digimon partner or Digivice. This part would be focussed on survival, with David learning to run away, fight back and figure out the tricks of the trade, eventually culminating in him forming a partnership with a Digimon not based on Destiny but mutual agreement and shared experiences, and one that will never benefit from a Deus Ex Machina via Digivice. My plans was to use BlackPawnChessman as I've always liked them, and have David serve as the tactician in the partnership. I'd also incorporate Digimon being able to consume each other like in Tamers to justify them being able to grow stronger and eventually evolve.**

 **Part Two would be the Dark Masters arc in canon taken up to eleven. At this point David would have found his feet, and found a reason to fight- namely to try and make the Digital World slightly less of a shit place after a meeting with Gennai went wrong and led to his belief that he'd done nothing to fix things. Enter the Dark Masters. In canon, the Digidestined spent the equivalent of years in the human world fighting Mytotsimon, and in this timeslot the Dark Masters took over the Digital World. Except that David is stuck in the Digital World when this happens, decided "Screw this" and teams up with Gennai to turn the Digital Resistance into an actual threat.**

 **Part Three would be an immensely AU version of season 2 featuring the Seven Demon Lords, kicked off by MetalSeaDramon being the last Dark Master to fall in this timeline, and having a chance to revive Leviamon, which leads to the revival of the rest. This is the Endgame arc, a seven way battle to the death between the Demon Lords, with David stuck in the middle and trying to beat all of them anyway.**


	2. SI Seeking Strawhat

**AN- oh gosh, look at the calendar… again!**

 **Have actually had this chapter for a few good months now (Just forgot to upload). Anyway, One Piece is one of my favourite fandoms, so naturally my creative juices tend to flow down that general path. I learned a lot from The Survivor, so here's a SI story hopefully a little better for you to sink your teeth into.**

 **One Piece: SI Seeking Strawhat**

"If there is one thing as a writer that I know, it's a cliché. And if anything qualifies for that, then it's this." I glared at the person sat across the table from me.

"What's wrong with this?" He asked honestly.

"Well, for one thing I'm sent a stupidly suspicious and specific email which basically _screamed_ Call to Adventure."

I was certain that beneath his unnecessary sunglasses he was raising an eyebrow. "Was it not intriguing? You opened it after all."

"No, it wasn't. I just get irritated when my inbox hasn't been fully cleared. That one email unopened pisses me off, and despite how dumb your header was, I only really opened it to get it out the way."

"Now you're just being mean."

"It read 'Lonely ROB Seeking Helpless SI'."

Now said lonely ROB leant back in his chair and accepted my answer with a vague handwave "Okay, I admit that I _could_ have been more original. But this is exactly what it says on the tin. Why pretend it's anything else?"

It took immense willpower, but I managed to avoid not pressing the issue. As a fanfic writer seeing dumb cliché's and unmotivated beginnings always bothered me- so it was _really_ hard not to lay into him. Still, I could have rattled off a hell of a lot of other things to nitpick him on anyway. Stereotypical 'suspicious email' was the least of his sins.

I mean _really?_ My screen sucking me up literally as soon as I read the message and not even giving me a _choice_ whether to accept it? A blank, featureless void for us to have our conversation in? And finally, the biggest sin of all, did he _have_ to take the appearance of Morpheus from the Matrix?

" _He isn't even_ trying _to get the characterisation right either."_ I huffed, crossing my arms. _"And I'm pretty sure Matrix parodies went out of fashion in the nineties."_

"You're thinking negative thoughts, aren't you?" The dark skinned, bald man chided me, waggling his finger at me.

One, seriously out of character. Two, what could possibly have given him the idea that I was _displeased_ by his display of shameless internet pandering?

"I mean really, it almost sounds like you don't want to be here." ROB announced.

"What gave that away?" I drawled sarcastically. "Maybe the fact that I didn't actually accept doing this to begin with? Maybe the fact that you've pulled me here in such an uncreative manner ensuring that this is going to be _exactly_ the sort of Self Insert I've grown bored with reading."

"Oh poppycock!" He waved my complaint away. "Every fanboy wants to enter their favourite fandom. Are you really telling me that you _don't_ want to go on an adventure in the wonderful world of One Piece?"

I hesitated. Technically the correct answer should be 'hell no! Screw this guy's, I'm going home!'. I'm far too genre savvy to assume that life in a fictional setting is a good thing. Its far more dangerous for one thing, as in the real world there is very little to directly harm me, while in One Piece every third person is tough enough to crush my head like an egg.

Even in the best case scenario of ending up like Jerimiah Cross from This Bites, namely being a competent and awesome dude despite being a technical normal person, I could still end up horribly maimed or cause things to go to hell. Even if I could be _like_ good ol' Cross, I'm not him. In the worst-case scenario, I get enslaved by a World Noble or get murdered by the first murderous Pirate I encounter.

So I _should_ desire nothing more than to wake up with this encounter being nothing more than a dream…

… but, I'm a _writer_. And ROB isn't wrong in saying that every fanboy wants to be a Self Insert, even if only a little. And One Piece is a beautiful world to end up in, despite the danger. I think that despite everything, even if I knew this would happen up front, I'd still probably choose it. If only I'd had a different ROB…

"Hey! I'm great!"

"Wait, did you just respond to a mental question? Can you read my mind?"

ROB gave me a 'no shit' look. "Well duh. I'm a ROB. _Of course I can read your mind_."

… very true. If he's got the nigh omnipotent powers necessary to be a ROB in the first place and set this up, then obviously mind reading isn't too hard a thing to do by comparison.

"Anyway, moving on. Since I've read your mind and already know the answer, I guess we can skip the whole blue pill and red pill thing then." With a shrug he removed a pill case from his badass leather long coat and threw it over shoulder behind him, where it rolled away and was promptly lost to the void.

"Well, if I'm here for the long haul, then I suppose we should get right to it." I shuffled around in my seat nervously. It was utterly mad- this was really happening. A ROB was really going to send me to One Piece. But the question was, just what kinda ROB was he? Was I going to suffer for my decision? Would my adventure become more Nine Minutes than This Bites?

And just what would happen to me? Reincarnation, dropped straight in, or body jacking?

"The middle one. You're going there with your own body as opposed to taking a natives." ROB answered. "Now, please sign this waver to indicate that I have no responsibility for whatever state you end up in, that this of your own free will and your own accord, and blah blah blah. All that good stuff."

In the blink of an eye an official looking contract with writing far too small for me to read easily appeared on the table before me, with a cheap biro next to it. "Hang on a sec- if Madoka has taught me anything, it's to not go signing no contract without checking the fine print."

"Go ahead." He smiled widely. Suspiciously, I leaned in. The writing seemed to get smaller and smaller as I read, and literally all I could make out was random legal mumbo jumbo. I had a bad feeling about this.

"Well of course there's a catch!" His smile became trollish. "I am a ROB."

"Also, stop reading my mind. Its creepy."

"Cooommmeee ooonnnn Sam. Wanna make a contract with me?"

He had to have made that reference deliberately, and he had to have known that making it would make my paranoia sky rocket.

"The question now is _what_ the catch is." He rolled the pen towards me with one finger. "However, there really is no choice at this point whether you sign or not. Just take solace in the fact that I wouldn't need you to sign to begin with if I really wanted your soul or something. This is more a symbolic gesture, if anything."

Second passed, and the contract sat their unsigned. I knew this was a bad idea but…

I signed anyway. Because the ROB _would_ find a way to get entertainment from me, and its best to provide it before he forces me to do it.

"Good choice." He rolled up the contract, then stuffed it in his coat. "Anyway, don't despair! I don't intend to do a This Bites and drop you in there with only your pathetic self to entertain me- been there, done that. You ever heard of Jumpchain?"

"Yes." Interesting idea in premise, being a Multiverse hopping story generation idea, but was terrible in execution from an actual storytelling standpoint.

"Welp, this is like that. You can 'buy' perks from me beforehand, so it's not like you'll be entering One Piece unprepared."

A loud sigh escaped my lips, and I slumped into my chair. This was a relief in many ways. Being a normal person in One Piece is typically a Bad Idea, so it was quite comforting to be able to have _something_ to fall back on.

"So, what can I buy then? Is there a list?"

"No list. I'm a ROB- you can have _anything_." He told me, waving his hands in front of him in an exaggeratory fashion.

"Anything?" Alarm bells. Alarm bells everywhere. "So, what? I could get a random Devil Fruit?"

"Yup."

"And a body that obeys One Piece physics and is actually in a _good_ physical condition?"

"Not hard to accomplish."

"Hell, can I get a 'D' in my name, because every other freakin' Self Insert seems to have one?"

"Fuck it. Why the hell not?" He shrugged. "You can have it. All that and more…"

Ideas rolled through my mind. Builds, ideas, discussions and memories. How many Spacebattles forum posts had prepared me for this? How many stories of this sort had I read? And how many broken builds could I already imagine with there literally being _no_ limits as to what I asked for…

"What's stopping me becoming a Gary Stu?"

"Well, you only get THREE things." He announced, raising three fingers on his left hand to illustrate his point. "Next, there's the fact that if you game the system then _I_ will game you." He ridged his fingers and slid into the Gendo Ikari position of masking his face darkly with his palms. "Hell on earth, my friend. Hell. On. Earth."

I gulped. "Okay. No breaking the universe. Got it. So, just how do I pick what I want?"

"Oh- don't worry about that!" within a moment his serious demeanour was gone, and he was back to being what he was before. "Your choices have already been made."

"WHAT!?" I yelled, rising to my feet and slamming my palms down on the table. "When!?"

"Like, a minute ago."

"What, when I was giving examples?"

"Yup. Sorry, gotta take your first answer." He shook his head as if sad.

"Bullshit." I growled. "That's only on quiz shows! Besides which, I was hardly answering. More inquiring."

"Meh." He himself rose to his feet and tucked his chair neatly in. "Well, if you want I can give you nothing instead."

I paled. Nothing was worse than having _nothing_.

"There ya go. Be grateful you got three things. If anything, you're more than ready. Monkey D Luffy didn't need no stinkin' handouts. He set off to sail with nothing but his heritage and mysterious 'D' thing, a Devil Fruit power and a resilient body. Actually, scratch that. Luffy set off with quite a bit on his side." He coughed, as if to bring himself back on track. "Point being is that you've got _exactly_ the same advantages as him. Mystical heritage, Devil Fruit power and competent body."

"Fine." I suppose that I could deal with this outcome. I guess it all came down to what power I ended up getting. "Anything else we need to do?"

"Well, there's the _cost_ of your powers, but let's not worry about it."

"Wait, there's a _cost_?"

"Of course there is!" He declared happily. "In Worm you pay for superpowers with trauma (Or lots of money) and in Jumpchain to pay with imaginary numbers. Well, here you just pay a certain toll to me for the sake of entertaining me, and then we call it quits."

Shit, shit, shit. "Let me guess, the bigger the power, the higher the cost?"

The only answer he gave was a shit eating smile. It was all I needed.

"Well fuck."

"Don't worry. It's nothing life threatening. Embarrassing, maybe. It's not like you're paying in blood or with your soul."

"Well, what's the cost then?"

He opened his mouth to reply, only to shut it suddenly. His expression warped to that of one of amusement. "Actually, I think I'll leave that as a mystery for now. More fun that way."

"Great." I rolled my eyes. "Anything you can tell me?"

"Well, for everything you gain, you'll lose something in return."

"Anything that's actually useful?"

"You will dearly miss that which you have lost." He warned darkly.

"Great. Is it too late to go for the 'Badass Normal' package?"

He made a big cross sign with his arms. "Yup. Limited time offer, and your warranty has expired."

"I had warranty? And it's gone already?"

"Shoulda checked the fine print." The ROB smirked as my eyebrow struggled to remain level with the rest of my face. Because he should _damn well know_ that I _couldn't_ read the contract's fine print due to him.

"I hate you already." I drawled.

"I don't care if you hate me or not. I just want something mildly amusing to watch."

Hang on, just 'mildly amusing'? I thought ROB's always wanted entertainment?

"Yes, we do, but I don't exactly have high standards for you. Not _everyone_ can be a Cross."

I was seriously getting tired of being reminded of how much cooler a protagonist Jerimiah Cross was than me. Wait- protagonist? I know the saying that "Everyone is the protagonist of their own stories" but just because I'm in a situation remarkably like that of a fictional one doesn't mean I should legitimately start assuming that I'm literally a Protagonist. Unless I am actually in a fanfic too, and we're just all insignificant on a meta scale? And honestly, is this the time for an existential crisis? And if this really was the case, should it matter to me, as am I able to do anything about it?

"Sam, even I have no idea if this is a fanfic or not." Announced the ROB. "There's always a Bigger Fish, and sometimes it's best not to think too much about just how many conceptual levels are above you, and just where you may or may not stand in the grand scale of the multiverse."

"Umm… that's actually some pretty decent advice."

"Yeah." He nodded, smiling quite cheerfully. "Just ignore the issue and take out your existential identity crisis on entities far less able to affect you."

"… Great. My adventure starts with an incompetent ROB lecturing me on the mind crushing understanding of my insignificant place in the multiverse, and ends with the fact that said ROB is also so low on the food chain he can't even give me any answers anyway. Now, isn't this going to be _fun_."

"Now, there is no need for that sarcasm." With a roll of his eyes he pulled out a second pill case. "So, you got anything else to ask me as this will be the last time we ever speak, or can I give you your medicine yet."

"Hang on, I thought you tossed them?"

"Nah- only the blue one. These bad boys are red." And with that, he took the top off and emptied a single pill into his palm, before presenting it to me. "Now, are you ready to begin?"

I merely sighed. "Fuck it." I had nothing else to say really, and was more anxious if anything. The sooner I took it, the sooner I could find out what my 'cost' was. After that, I'd need to figure out a game plan.

With nothing else to ask, I took the pill and tossed it into my mouth, and then I swallowed.

XXXXXXXXXX

Thus, keeping with the theme of 'incompetent ROB', once I ate the pill he didn't even have the common decency to bring me into the adventure gently, by letting me fall unconscious before dumping me in the world of One Piece.

No. Rather than this quite simple idea, he merely waited for me to finish swallowing the pill and then gave me a cheery shrug and a massive shove. I had the brief sight of a portal of some kind opening behind me, then I toppled backwards through it.

Now, in any other story the portal would lead directly to the world and I could promptly forget the involvement of the ROB and just get on with my life.

Instead, I was in a tunnel. My journey wasn't an instantaneous one, and I would apparently have to endure this trip before arriving.

The question then for me was why this tunnel _had_ to be the Scary Tunnel from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. That is not hyperbole. I was floating through a literal tunnel showing me trippy images of scary things like snakes slithering through a skull, a severed arm growing from an open stomach and…

Well, you get the gist.

Suffice to say, it was wholly unnecessary, and even if the journey was necessary it would have probably taken less effort on the ROB's part to just leave me in the darkness with some elevator music, or perhaps a crossword puzzle and a pen. I was 98 percent sure that the Incompetent ROB was only making me go through this experience just to screw with me further, as this would be one of his few chances to directly mess with me as opposed to indirectly.

Now if only the Scary Tunnel would just _end_ already. It had been going on for five minutes or so now, and I'd sort of become desensitised to it. I mean, once I got over my crippling fear of spiders, what scarier a sight could it show me? Trump as President, perhaps?

Oh wait- its already happened. Shots fired.

"I'm bored." I said aloud. "Seriously, you can't be finding this interesting. I'm literally sitting about watching the drug induced hallucinations of a ten-year-old sociopath that thinks edgy skullz are cool. You _can't_ be finding this interesting."

There was no response.

"Can I at least get some in-flight entertainment?"

An open magazine suddenly appeared in front of me and slammed into my face. Not the preferred manner I wanted it, but it was something _new_ at least. "Thanks?" I said hesitantly. Then I pulled it from my face and all my thanks evaporated like a teaspoon full of water left in the Sahara. For one thing, I was still in the Scary Tunnel, so the lighting was hardly conductive for good reading. Secondly, it was apparently written in Japanese too.

"I take that back. Screw you Incompetent ROB!" No reply came. "Screw it. Your name is now IROB. Kinda like a Jerkass Uncle Iroh, but I-rob. Only you're not my uncle. Or wise. Or a firebender. Or actually helpful. Hell, you aren't even human."

Huh- the only part of my simile that actually fits is the Old bit. So really, he's nothing like Iroh, and my whole analogy falls flat "You're still IROB though."

At this I shut my eyes and laid the magazine over my face, effectively blocking out the visual elements of the Scary Tunnel. IROB was bound to get bored eventually, right?

XXXXXXXXXX

He got bored eventually. Like, twelve more minutes later.

I hope the sight of me catching some Z's in his Spooky Tunnel was the most boring twelve minutes of his immortal life.

Either way, a portal finally manifested before me, and I shot straight through.

In a flash of light, the Scary Tunnel was gone. I blinked thrice to remove the spots from my eye, then realised I was still moving forwards.

No, not moving. _Falling_. My perspective had been off. I'd been plummeting down the Rabbit Hole the entire time, and now that I was in the One Piece world I was still falling.

And from my perspective, I could quite clearly see that I was rapidly approaching a large body of water.

"Screw you IRO-"

The I hit the water, could speak no longer, and rapidly sunk. Salt water flooded into my open mouth as my mouth slammed shut.

" _I'm sinking. Shit! I'm sinking! I asked for Devil Fruit Powers, and now I'm_ sinking _!"_

I struggled, and I thrashed, and then I broke the surface and realised I was being a dumbass. I spat out water and laughed, my voice and throat feeling funny because I had almost swallowed a bunch of water. "I _struggled_. If I really had eaten a Devil Fruit I wouldn't have been able to move at all. Plus, I would have remembered eating something earlier, since IROB didn't knock me out."

So yay- I'm not gonna sink like a hammer. Alas, despite this I could hardly claim to be an excellent swimmer. The last time I went to a pool was a few years back on an especially warm day when on holiday.

"Find land, find land, find land." I chanted. Oh look- a beach barely fifty feet away. Go, go, IROB based convenience!

And thus I swam, and swam, and then finally crawled onto the beach. I continued to struggle forwards for a few more metres, until I dropped down to the warm sand with a happy groan. "Thanks IROB for giving me a fit body. That could have been way more painful."

So, what now? I was on a random beach somewhere, garbed in my tightly clinging wet clothes, and now stuck in the fictional world of One Piece.

What now?

"First off, let's get these wet clothes off. Don't want to get hypothermia or something." I voiced aloud to myself. I stopped a moment though, only just now really stopping to pay attention to my voice properly now that I wasn't stranded in the sea.

I don't know why, but it seemed… higher pitched?

"Fuck it." I muttered. "Clothes now, worry later, blame IROB for everything _later,_ later."

So I started with my hoodie, shaping it into a ball and tossing it aside, then went for my T-shirt, gradually managing to tug it off. I had a lot more resistance in taking it off than expected, so I looked down.

I looked down some more, and then I stared. I stared intently, almost disbelievingly.

Because sitting right there, in my field of view, were a set of naked breasts. As in an actual set of bewbs. They weren't particularly large, being just two small mounds of flesh (only about a B-Cup, I reckon). I prodded one with my finger and noted that I felt the sensation. _I_ felt it. Apparently, these breasts are _my_ naked breasts.

"Oh shit. Please don't let this be what I think this is, _please_ let this NOT be what I think it is…"

I prodded again, and winced. Because I'd read far too much to not recognise the sudden symptoms of spontaneous Gender Bending. And considering how my 'patron' was an _Incompetent_ ROB that seemed to love lazy tropes, what were my chances of actually having escaped this cliché?

"Little to none." I said quietly, only now recognising why I sounded higher pitched. "Little to none."

Only thing left to do was to check if _it_ was gone too. One fumble later and I could tell that I had the entire 'working package' of the average female.

I, Samuel Clarke, had now become something more akin to I, Samantha D Clarke.

Yet despite this sudden understanding that _yes_ , I had spontaneously changed gender at _some_ point in that stupid Scary Tunnel without realising it, the full ramifications of this had yet to fully settle in.

I knew objectively that things would forever be different now, but all I could do was laugh. "So, 'for everything I gain, I'll lose something in return' eh? 'I will dearly miss that which I have lost'? Could you be any more tongue and cheek with this if you tried, you damn IROB! I think that yes, I will _damn well will_ miss that which I've _lost_!"

The only response was the repetitive sound of the waves crashing onto the beach, and the occasional squawk of the seagulls above.

"I didn't ask for, for… well, this." I gestured down to my body which I could barely look at now due to sheer embarrassment.

Speaking of which. "Shit. Still naked." And as a girl, in a world like this filled with a huge roster of ne'er-do-weller's and villainous pirates, laying around topless was _badbadbadbad._ I fumbled to my side to collect my soggy hoodie, and slipped it back on.

I was colder and wetter now, but also decent.

So now I was a _colder_ wet, genderbent, Self Insert. My day kept getting worse and worse, with little to show for it. Speaking of…

"Hey IROB!" I shouted. "We had a _deal_. Now cough up my mythical superpower granting fruit, you jackass!" Because if I was going to suffer the drawbacks, I at least deserved the benefits I'd been promised.

A fit and non-squishy body, a fancy pants 'D' to shove into my name and finally a Devil Fruit.

At this point, I heard the familiar 'whoosh' of a portal opening, and then felt something hard strike me right in the forehead, at quite high speeds.

"OW THE PAIN!?" I cried, rolling backwards and forwards as I rubbed my now swelling forehead. "WHY IROB!? WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU!?"

There was reply, again, because why would there be?

"Screw it. Bite the bullet, eat the fruit, move on." Because I would never get anywhere if I stopped every five second to lament about how shitty my 'patron' was.

I took the acid green grapefruit now to one side of me, wiped the excess sand of it, and then took a massive bite… before spitting it out.

From here, I thought I could give an analogy about how terrible tasting a Devil Fruit is meant to be, and just how bad it really does taste. But I couldn't really put it in words. I couldn't talk about how revolting it was, because there were no words I could use to explain the horrific nature of the flavour. There was no possible way for me to describe just what condition my tastebuds were left in following the initial bite, because fundamentally, this was a fruit that can't be comprehended fully by mortal palette.

It was ash and it was blood. It was tangy and it was sour. There was zest and there was sweet. My mouth burned like a thousand chillies had just been shoved into my gullet, yet a bitter sensation of lemon juice and battery oil trickled from the dry flesh of the chunk of fruit. A million scents and tastes clashed, blending together like liquid ooze left to rot and decompose, as one giant cacophony which came together in an orchestral piece of sharp nails and razor wire being driven into the part of my brain that's capable of recognising what all my senses are sensing.

So in short, what answer I could give would be nonsensical at best and meaningless at worst, as _nobody can describe what the Devil tastes like_. "This tastes of shame, the colours brown and yellow, and the dark side of Deviant Art."

Still, it _had_ to be done. I took a second bite, and somehow managed to swallow it down.

There. It was done. I'd eaten it and would _never_ consent to ever taste another. Now to wash out this taste of _hell_ with something, _anything!_

I didn't even consider it. No second thoughts or hesitation. I leapt head first into the surf to gulp down the salty water of the ocean, uncaring of what it was save for that it would be cool and refreshingly cool, and forgetting the fact that I was now, y'know, a _hammer._

I skidded into the shallow water, flinching immediately as I touched it, before the first wave hit me and stole the strength in my body, while my arms buckled beneath me. I moved to push myself away, but by this point my strength was _gone_ , and then the next wave slammed into me and I could barely _breathe_.

And this was while I was on mostly dry land. I hadn't even been fully submerged yet. Hell, this water was shallow, barely a few inches thick, and yet it took everything I had in me to _not_ dunk my open mouth into the deepest of the shallow and start drowning.

"I-is th-is how _e-every Devil Fruit user f-f-feels_?" I asked through clenched teeth and clenched body. Because if it was, then truly each and every Devil Fruit user had to be absolutely _insane_.

"Don't think so, miss." A voice called out. From the corner of my eye I could see an elderly man in a Hawaiian shirt and a… a _fedora_? "I must admit, I've met one or two Devil Fruit users in my lifetime, but I've never seen anyone suffer quite so badly from the seawater."

"H-how did you know I was a-"

"Because you've been shouting out like a lunatic about it for the last five minutes, there is a swirly patterned grapefruit a few feet away with two bite marks in it, and you just asked if 'this was how every Devil Fruit user feels?'," the smile on his face was teasing, but I wasn't amused. I was sure that if I could move I'd be flailing about like a toddler in the bath.

"Th-then why am I so… so… affected?"

"No clue." He shrugged. "Still, it's not nice to leave a young lady like you to struggle in the shallows like that. My wife would send me to the sofa for a week if she found out I left you."

"L-less anecdotes, more saving!" I pleaded.

"You sure are a prickly girly, aren'tcha?"

"Sh-shut up, you jerk!" I snapped.

He laughed. "Yeah- my wife is going to love you." I heard his feet, then felt two strong hands pick me up. I expected him to be weak considering his age, but he was quite wiry. He moved a few feet back, and then gently placed me back onto the dry sand.

"Dry sand! I can move again!" I yelled, delighted, running my hands through it.

"Yes. Dry sand. Its new and novel and great." The old man said dryly. "Now, do you want to keep messing about down there until the tide comes in some more, or do you want to get up and head over to my house so my wife can actually get you some dry clothes?"

"… the latter please." Then, with as much dignity as I could muster, I got to my feet and looked expectantly to the man. He rolled his eyes, and began to walk. I followed.

XXXXXXXXXX

A five minute walk later, and we reached a nice little cottage overlooking the sea. The cottage itself was rather humble, with white painted walls and thatched roof. There was a wooden porch outside it, and sitting there in a rocking chair was a little old lady in a plain dress… but also another fedora.

" _I guess both of them share the same taste in clothing,"_ I noted.

"Oh, Horace, who's the wet rat?" the woman croaked.

"Who are you calling a wet rat?" I snapped.

"Verte, this is Cactus. I rescue her from drowning in the sea."

His wife frowned. "Oh my, that must have been an ordeal. Hang on- if she was drowning, how come you're bone dry?"

"Oh- she was drowning in the shallow end."

A beat, then the old hag began to cackle. "Kekikekike!"

"Its not funny!" I defended myself, crossing my arms stiffly. "I literally just ate a Devil Fruit. It was… kinda scary actually. If he hadn't found me I would have been stuck there until the tide came in, and _then_ I would have died."

The luck of humour passed from her face. "Yes, that does sounds rather scary. Well, it's over now. You're fine, and safe, and all that. Now, come on in so I can go get you some of my daughters' old clothes, Cactus."

"What's with the dumb nickname anyway?" I demanded. "I do have a name."

"Which you haven't given out yet." Reminded Horace.

"So for now you're Cactus. Because you're so prickly." Verte continued retorted.

"I am not prickly!" I argued, before realising that in doing so I was just reaffirming her claim. With a sigh, I shut up.

"Seriously, head on in." the old man, whom now I remembered was called Horace, insisted. "Hell, we even have a shower so you can clean yourself off too."

I headed past the pair, to the door, then stopped. I turned around, and told him "Thanks," in a very serious tone, because there really was a big chance that I would have died. Then I went inside the house, and went to go find the bathroom.

XXXXXXXXXX

I went into that bathroom knowing my shower would be quick- the quickest I'd ever had in my life- if only due to the awkwardness of having my new female body. Normally I love long, excessive, relaxing showers, often taking up half an hour of my day by standing under the high-pressure nozzle if I could. But today I just couldn't.

I removed my clothes (all of them), and dumped them into a pile by the shower cubicle, then just took a moment to look at my body. Every instinct inside me wanted to flinch and turn away (This wasn't my body- it couldn't be, it _couldn't_ ), but I'd never believed in denial. IROB offered me anything, and like it or not, I asked for a fit and One Piece level body, and IROB had delivered in the worst way possible, like any good Jerkass Genie would.

I forced myself to watch- to take in my full body, because I was going to have to live with it from now on. I couldn't deny it, or avert my eyes from the truth. Aesthetically, I'd lucked out. I wanted a fit body, and I had it, in both meanings. I was slim, my stomach lacked flab, and my arms and legs were that of a runner's, while my eyesight was probably better too (As I hadn't had the urge to fumble for my glasses since winding up here). I was pretty too, though it felt strange to check myself out in such a fashion. My face was well balanced, my skin soft and my hair shoulder length and of the same light brown shade as my male self. More than that, I had curves, and my only real flaw was that by all rights my chest lacked the bustiness of the average anime heroine.

It was undeniable. I was attractive. And it was weird knowing that. I felt like some sort of Mary Sue just sitting here while announcing how pretty and wonderful I was, because I was used to being a fairly normal 18-year-old male. So I couldn't exactly complain that I'd been cheated by IROB- objectively this new body was physical and aesthetically better. I just wish that I was still in the body that I was born in.

Before my mind went places it would best not tread about myself, I jumped into the cubicle and turned on the nozzle. _"Best get it out the way,"_ I was ready to lose all my control like before, but luckily, either because this was running water or fresh water as opposed to sea water, I could control my body in the spray, even if I felt sluggish.

I kept body contact to a minimum, washed off the coldness of the sea as best I could, and then rushed for the towel. Luckily, they'd left me some new clothes outside the door, so I didn't have to go too far to find them.

" _Now if only it wasn't a_ dress _."_ I glared at the distasteful garment that had been offered (a long sundress, of a more tasteful green colour), but eventually practicality won over and I put the offending garment on. _"Everybody gets one."_

So theoretically I was ready to leave the bathroom now and go re-join civilisation, but I didn't exactly want to. I had no delusions that I'd be allowed to stay here for more than a night or two even if the couple was willing for that- generosity for a stranger goes only so far. It might be best to come up with a plan of action for myself as soon as possible.

"Right then, a plan." I clapped my hands together, and sat down upon the closed toilet seat. "A plan…" but what though? That is the question…

"First off. I need to find out what my Devil Fruit was, since IROB didn't give me any hints. No point having it if I can't even gain any benefits from it. Then, my security. After that I worry about keeping the IROB happy so he doesn't drop rocks on me or cause the apocalypse purely to keep himself amused."

But how best to achieve this? Only way to keep IROB happy is to get into funny and/or interesting situations, and I doubt that he'd ever let me have a peaceful life. "The only choice is to head off to sea. But the sea is dark and dangerous, and filled with many terrors."

So, it's a matter of balance. Find a way to keep getting into exciting situations, _while_ staying as safe as possible, _while_ finding out enough about my mysterious Devil Fruit to make sure I'm competent enough to survive everything that IROB can throw at me.

"Yosh!" I exclaimed, slapping my cheeks with my palms. "As much as I hate to admit, I need to take a lesson from my IROB. Seek out the cliché, embrace the cliché, _become_ the cliché. I might get on at IROB for being uncreative, but in this case the cliché answer is the right one. It _is_ undeniable that becoming a Straw Hat is literally the safest option to take- its why everyone does it."

It's such a simple conclusion to make. IROB gets excitement and amusement by virtue of me being a crewmember of the future King of the Pirates, I get security by virtue of my future knowledge and having a bunch of nakama guaranteed to protect and back me up, and most of all its _easy_ for me to accomplish.

"Ohh so easy." I linked my fingers together like a boss (Or rather, a NERV boss), and grinned widely. "If there's one thing I've learned from fanfiction it's that Luffy _always_ recruits the Self Insert! It's like a rule! End up in One Piece, find Luffy _somehow_ , pretend to resists his attempts to join his crew, but secretly deep down dive onto the first opportunity. It's just so _easy_."

I looked at myself in the mirror. A cute and interesting girl that's actually an interdimensional alien, possessing a cool Devil Fruit of some description, with the Divine Backing necessary to be a Main Character. I'm literally a Mary Sue at this point, if you were to take my story at face value. There's literally no chance of me failing to become a member if I really tried to impress Luffy.

"Yosh. My goal is decided. Find Luffy. Show off powers. Question marks. Then profit, and ergo membership of the Straw Hats! Its foolproof!"

With resolution, I turn away from the mirror and throw open the door, ready to confront the elderly pair and find the quickest way to wherever the hell Luffy is. "After all, just how hard could it possibly be for me to join the Straw Hats?"

XXXXXXXXXX

"Hey, Harold and Vega-"

"Its Horace and Verte." The couple interject, speaking as one.

"Yes, that." I waved off the correction. "Thanks for the shower and all, but I've gotta go! Time's a ticking, and the sea's a calling. I'm a gonna become a Pirate! Now, what the hell is the quickest way to get to Fushia Village?"

"Fushia Village?" Verte titled her head to one side. "Sorry, I haven't heard of it before."

"Fair enough, fair enough." I nodded. Fushia Village was quite a small place, so they obviously had no idea where it was. Perhaps a bigger location, but one still guaranteed to have a Straw Hat somewhere.

"What about Shell Town?"

"Nope." Said Horace.

"Syrup Village?"

"Nada."

"Fine. Where's the present location of the Baratie?" I finally settled on.

Now Horace titled his head slightly. "Cactus, what do you want to go there for? Isn't that the famous floating restaurant in the middle of the East Blue?"

I tried _really_ hard not the give him a 'well duh' look. "Because I need to go and become a pirate and that seems like the simplest place to go to wait for one since even pirates need to eat?"

"Simplest? Kekikekike! Little lady, why the hell would a restaurant in an entirely different ocean be the _simplest_ way to become anything!?"

"Because it's obviously-" Beat. I finished processing what I just heard, and it couldn't possibly be right. With the little finger of my left hand I cleared out my ears, and then looked at the woman attentively. "Can you please repeat yourself?"

She blinked in confusion, but did as I requested "I said- why the hell would a ship in an entirely different ocean be the _simplest_ way to become anything?"

And theeere we go. I had a dozen questions to ask, but I shouted out the most pressing of concerns. "What the HELL do you mean a ship in an entirely different ocean!? Where the hell are we?"

Horace offered a dumbfounded look. "The island of Baterilla?"

"That name means nothing to me." I offered neutrally. "Now seriously, explain what you mean by 'entirely different ocean'. Because if it's in the East Blue still, and we're here, then clearly there shouldn't be a problem getting there."

"You're making no sense Cactus. The Baratie is in another ocean because _it's quite literally in another ocean_."

"But this is East Blue!" I cried out.

"No it isn't, you dummy!" chastised Verte. "Baterilla is in the South Blue!"

"Then where the hell am I?"

Verte looked like she was about to burst a vein in her forehead, while Horace just looked resigned. They took a deep breath, and spoke as one, "You're on Batterilla island, in the middle of the _South Blue_."

"Ohhh…" A dainty finger found itself to my chin as everything finally started to make sense. I tend to have a problem whereby if I get really focussed on something I tend to block everything out, and then even when being told something perfectly simple and understandable the meaning will just go over my head as it doesn't fit into the narrow definition of whatever I'm thinking about.

I'd done it again, staring at the trees so hard that I ignore the forest. Or in this case, focussed in on the water and forgot the sea.

The world of One Piece is larger than just the Grand Line and the East Blue- there are four major seas in total, one for each cardinal point, and another sea crossing through the centre of the world. I wasn't in the East Blue. It was kind of arrogant of me to even assume that I _would_ be dropped in the East Blue, especially when there were four other _oceans_ I could have appeared in. Just because most fanfics start there because their authors are terrified of straying from the Stations of Canon and don't possess many details of the other Blue's doesn't mean that _I_ would be brought to the same location too.

Just a twenty percent chance of being lucky enough to land in the Weakest Ocean.

Instead, I apparently rolled badly, and turned up in the South Blue.

There's one big, bad thing about this though.

" _If I want to join the Straw Hat Pirates then I'm in the wrong ocean entirely! Monkey D Luffy is quite_ literally _an ocean away!"_ I fell to my knees in despair, but pushed down that emotion.

"Before, I asked myself how hard could it possibly be." I spoke aloud. "Now I know. It looks like it will be quite a bit harder than I anticipated. Quite. A. Bit…"

 **AN- I think the title explains it all. 'SI Seeking Strawhat'. This is, in short, a journey, stemming from the most basic and simple of plot premises used in One Piece Self Insertion stories. Namely, 'SI joins the Straw Hats'. This is a necessity- the tale of One Piece follows them as the main characters, so all lore, characters and canonical islands are only those visited by them. Still- makes you think. Just how far could a story go without the relative ease of joining to rely upon?**

 **I will say it up front. It won't be easy. But hopefully it should be amusing. Other things to note: Genderswapped SI. Note, I didn't get this idea from the Genderswapped Cross Omake, as this idea was rolling about way before that. I was more interested in what sort of ironic costs someone could pay in order for power. 'Intense reaction to seawater' was an obvious flaw for obtaining a Devil Fruit, and the whole D thing (Snigger)… but what about a new body? So I just went with Genderbending because it's always funny.**

 **On another note, don't expect to see masses of the Strawhats early on. Alas, this story is the journey to reach them.**

 **In conclusion, this is a sneak peek as opposed to a one-shot. I believe this will be the next big project I will be working on. Think of that what you will. Undying Soul out.**


	3. Fate Finality

**Summary: A common piece of Wish Fulfilment: the Self Insert. Now with Seven Waifu's in the form of Servants, thrust into a Death Battle extravaganza with arguably higher stakes than any of the former Fuyuki Wars, and left to deal with the fact that this war WOULD end with at least two thirds of the whole cast dead.**

 **AN- welp, it happened again. The Runaway Muse strikes again, ploughing through every preconceived writing schedule like a locomotive through dreamscapes. One thing led to another, and an idea was spawned, and I figured "What's the worst that could happen by writing this?". Answer: its' this mess. This is purely for fun. I'm not taking it very seriously at all. If this does get continued (Because I _do_ have more of it. Far too much, really), then it will likely be just for my own enjoyment, to let me vent without worrying too much about plotting or writing to get it juuuust right.**

 **Fate Stay Night: Fate Finality**

I knew from the moment I awoke, that something was wrong. The ceiling I blinked through half shut eyes was abnormal; the noise of my surroundings different to normal; and my sheets of a different type to that I was used to.

"What the hell?" I murmured, hastily removing my arm from the covers to wipe away at my eyes. Hastily, I tried to think back to the last thing I remembered, and found that I couldn't remember the last evening. I couldn't recall when or where I fell asleep, only that my day had been progressing as normal, and then…

Nothing. A headache, and a mild migraine.

"Welp, let's see exactly where I've found myself then?"

So, I stumbled out of bed, and took in my surroundings a little more. I was in a hotel room- I was pretty sure of that. The room had a very impersonal feel to it- white and neutral, with inoffensive basic decoration. Only a single double bed, and a desk to one side. A door led outside, though it wasn't the door to the corridor, as there was no lock signifying it as the 'front' door.

"If I'm in a hotel room, then why am I here?"

I went over to the desk- perhaps it held answers. Atop it, I saw an envelope with my name across it. I took the cue for what it was, and quite tore it open- ruining it in the process (Because it's literally impossible to open an envelope without destroying it, nowadays). Within were documents: a birth certificate (With blatantly wrong details), my medial history (Successfully up to date), bank statements for places I never remember registering at and finally a letter of introduction welcoming me to a new school.

The last one was the interesting thing- because I had already finished my highschool education, so I had no actual reason to have accidentally enrolled myself at one. Sure, the others were just as suspicious, but for the life of me I just couldn't understand the latter. Hell, I had to wonder why someone else, the person that brought me here, had bothered to enrol me at a _school_.

Besides which, where the hell was Homuhara Academy meant to be? And why did it sound familiar to me?

"Fuck it all- this situation makes no sense at all." I groaned, collapsing back onto the bed. I looked back to the letter, and the instructions written upon it, demanding I visit the faculty office and register myself for classes.

The question was whether I was going to follow through, if only to see if I could get some answers about what this bizarre situation I was going through actually was, or if I was just going to find the closest phone and ring a friend up for a lift home. There was no reason for me to _have to_ play along with this whole mess. I was a uni student- I had actual lectures to attend, and not the false classes of this academy I was clearly being gestured towards.

"What time is it anyway?"

Answer- half nine. The letter itself asked for my presence by half ten at the very latest, but I just wasn't feeling it. I was kinda leaning towards 'skip' at this point.

That was when I heard a knocking sound at a door. Not the one for this room- further away. I left the room, entering into a moderate living room with television and sofa, and a kitchen unit to the side. Alongside there was the main door, where I heard the knocking repeat,

"Uh- yes?" I called out.

"Room service!" The voice replied. "You asked for a half nine wakeup, with breakfast and the paper."

"I did?" I didn't remember doing so, that was for sure.

"Yes." The voice reiterated.

I checked myself over- I was still in my pyjama's, but I was hardly indecent. With that, I unlocked the door and let in the staff member. He approached with a metal tray stacked with my 'order', placed it on the kitchen-top, then left the room with a pleasant bow and farewell.

The breakfast itself was a traditional English, and I was hungry, so I sat down and tucked in with vigour. By the time I was halfway through my bacon and eggs, I reached for the folded-up paper that had been provided with the meal. I honestly didn't read the news as often as I should have, so taking a brief look over the rest of my meal seemed like a decent idea.

When I read the name of the paper, I almost spat out my half-chewed mouthful.

 **The Fuyuki Press**

Fuyuki- now _that_ was a city I knew, or at least had heard in the past. I considered the likelihood of this being a dream- but since you can't read properly when dreaming, I discounted that. No- this wasn't a dream.

I was in Fuyuki City, according to the paper, and was enrolled at Homuhara Academy. And this was in _Japan_ , because I had suddenly realised that all the items I'd read today hadn't actually been in English, but that I had somehow learned a new language overnight and hadn't even realised the difference.

This scenario was strange. I woke up in a hotel room I never booked, with documents I never filled in, with no memory of how I got there. I have somehow _magically_ learned a new language, and have noted the uncanny familiarity of these names.

Mind you, there was a slim chance that these were all coincidences, or I was insane, or still dreaming somehow. Either way- there was a good eighty percent chance that the idea I was considering was correct, no matter how ridiculous or unreal it seemed.

I, James Branson, was not just in an unfamiliar city. Instead, I had probably (Though hopefully not) been dropped into another world entirely. A world of Magic and mystery, where there were far too many overpowered people.

The Nasuverse. I was stuck in the Nasuverse, in Fuyuki City, and was probably enrolled for _just before_ the Holy Grail War would begin, because naturally my luck could only be that bad.

"Fuck. My. Life." I groaned, before sparking to action. I had a sudden feeling of urgency within me- a desperate need to _move_. Sure, I was _probably_ stuck in a city on the verge of war, and enrolled at a school likely to become a warzone… but who said I had to _stay here_.

I'd been given a bank statement, ergo I had a bank account, therefore money. Hell, even if it was a really small fund, it was better than nothing.

"Hah- I'm getting the fuck out of dodge."

With that, I changed into the only clean set of clothes in the room (A school uniform), and carefully collected all my documents. I was gonna take some money out of the bank, and then I was going to _get the hell out of Fuyuki_ , as quickly as I could.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Don't curse me, curse your bad luck." The provocative women with violet hair told me sadly, as she prepared to devour me whole.

"Fuuuuuck." I hissed. It was just my bad luck that on the walk up to the train station I'd take a wrong turn down a deadend alleyway and stumble into the Servant Rider, Medusa, looking for a quick Prana snack. "Don't suppose you could let me go, and we could both go merrily along our way?"

The Gorgon said nothing- I was surprised she hadn't already murdered me already, actually, considering her inhuman speed. Perhaps she was humouring me?

"Figured so." And then I threw a nearby trash can lid at the woman, and tried to sprint past her. My feeble attempt at an attack was cut in half with her bare hands, and then she lashed out like a snake, pinning me against the wall with a loud thud- hard enough for blood to be drawn as I skidded against the surface.

I was terrified. Pants shittingly terrified. I didn't want any part in the Grail War- not really. I hadn't expected to be a Self Insert, and didn't want to get involved at all- _because I would die_. I had no illusions about myself- I had no magical training and no Servant. Why the hell would I want to get involved in a scenario like this, when I could just leave and escape the danger altogether?

Except danger followed me, and I was currently mixed up in events anyway.

Either way- I was going to die. I was going to be murdered, my soul drained for energy, and my body discarded when it had no more purpose. I was gonna die!

 _And I didn't want to die._

A flash of red- a gleaming, almost searing light that blinded me. Rider reacted to the light too- releasing me and leaping back to dodge the blade that was almost shoved through her neck. By this point, I had fallen to the floor and was clutching my bruised throat with one hand, looking on in awe as a Deus Ex Machina took place to deliver me from danger.

Before me stood my saviour- a proud woman with short red hair, armed with shield and sword, and dressed in little else. She wore a long-sleeved shirt with everything missing from the bust downwards, while her lower body was covered by long boots and topped off with panties. I might have blushed at her beauty if I wasn't, y'know, _one bad move away from certain death_.

The redhead moved faster than I could perceive, and aimed to cut down the Servant that stood before her. Medusa was faster that the newcomer, and was easily able to jump backwards out of reach of the swing. She was even able to dodge the barrage of glowing mana bullets that fired from my saviours blade as she swung downwards in a clear arc.

There was a lull in the action, a momentary pause as the two fighters sized each other up (With myself, still splayed against the wall). I knew any second the two would come to blows again, and would fight until one died.

And then the moment ended. With hesitation, Medusa dipped her head, then vanished into particles of light- she entered into her Astral form, and fled the field of battle.

" _Makes sense. Since she needed to harvest stray souls for power, I'd assume that she is still under the false control of Shinji Matou. Thus, her true stats are lowered. Plus, Shinji was still at school. She hadn't expected this fight- had only really been looking for a meal. Better to retreat and return under better circumstances."_

"Whooo- I'm glad that I managed to fight her off." The woman cheerfully exclaimed, vanishing her blade as she turned back to me. "It was lucky that you summoned me, otherwise you would have been a goner."

"You don't say." I grumbled, rising to my feet. "To be honest, I hadn't expected to be drawn into the Holy Grail War. Hell, I was leaving specifically so I wouldn't."

At this, she frowned slightly. "Then I'm sorry that you _have_ been pulled in then, though I am glad to have saved your life."

Speaking of which… "Oh yeah! Thanks for saving me back then, by the way. Saber, I assume?"

Most of the players were already here and summoned- I think the only two free slots that I could feasibly summon from would be taking Caster's Assassin, or usurping Shirou and claiming a Saber. And this beautiful redhead did _not_ look the part of an Assassin.

"Fufufu. Sorry, I am Servant Rider." She introduced herself, bowing slightly. "I ask of you, are you my Master?"

Rider. She's a Rider. Except that we already HAVE a Rider. "Motherfucker." I hissed.

She arched an eyebrow. Dangerously so. " _Excuse me_?"

"Nonononono!" I protested, waving my arms. "I was talking to myself, not you. Realised something. We're pretty fucked."

"How so, Master?" She titled her head cutely.

"Well, if I'm not mistaken, the Servant you faced WAS Servant Rider." I said.

"How sure are you?"

"Eighty percent sure she's a Rider." I mean, this COULD be a freaky AU where she was a Lancer or something, but I doubted it. "So, either I'm wrong, or we're in for a whole 'nother level of fucked."

"Have no fear. I cannot promise you Victory, but I _will_ protect you." She vowed confidently. "Perhaps you should explain?"

"My guess is that either I accidentally summoned an Eighth Servant, resulting in there being two Servants of the same class, or this is a goddamn _Apocrypha_ scenario."

A finger came to her chin in confusion. "I'm sorry, but I don't understand what the latter term is."

"It's failsafe of the Grail War that kicks in if someone fucks with the Grail System." I hurriedly explained, my mind already elsewhere and considering the consequences of if it WAS an Apocrypha. "Basically, a scenario where instead of the standard seven Servants, fourteen duke it out instead."

"I suppose that is quite dangerous. Twice as many enemies to deal with." She contemplated. I debated explaining further, in that there was still technically only seven enemies as it was a team game, and that the real risk to me there would be that at least half (If not more) of the combatants would be unknown to me, rendering my Self Insert knowledge largely useless, but I decided against it. I lacked _information_. I didn't know if this was the canon War or not, or what my role here was, or why.

For now, my priority was getting to safety, and maybe escaping from this mess unharmed. I mean, if Rider really wanted the Grail, perhaps I could head out of town and just let her fight alone? I mean really, just how much damage could single butterfly cause? Maybe Shirou would still get lucky and stop the incoming apocalypse? (Unlikely, because he's a useless mess nine times out of ten if all his Dead Ends are evidence, but still).

Then, I looked down to the aching, bleeding hand that had formerly been pressed against my throat.

Or more accurately, what was atop it.

"Shit!" I cursed, not even trying to hide my distress. I approached a nearby trash can and kicked it hard- not even minding the pain.

"Master!" Rider exclaimed, rushing over to me with worry in your tone. "What's wrong? Are you okay?"

"No. I'm not." I said, my voice shaking. Without another word, I displayed my hand to her- or more accurately, I removed my school blazer and pulled up my shirt, to display my arm.

Because along it there were not the standard three Command Seals.

Sure, there _was_ a set of Command Seals on the back of my hand: three crossed blades of crimson. But it wasn't alone. Two more sets of Seals ran along my forearm and another two were on my upper arm. By pulling my shirt across more, I could see a sixth set of Seals on my shoulder, and a final set at the base of my neck.

Seven. I had SEVEN sets of Command Seals.

I think even Rider understood just what had gotten me so upset. "Oh, fuck." She eloquently, put it.


	4. The Centre Cannot Hold

**AN- oh god why can't I write more SI Seeks Strawhat? Here, have a brainworm that I couldn't help but write instead of my next update for X, Y or Z. This is a Persona/Multicross/SI story, so... enjoy?**

 **Summary: Another Fool steps into the ring, and starts his own ever-winding journey towards the bottom of the Labyrinth to seek the truth. But some things are best left unlearned, and all Dreams eventually...**

The darkness was all consuming and silent. It wrapped around me like a blanket. Almost numbly, I realised that I was dreaming. I wasn't sure when I'd fallen asleep, or for how long I'd been here, but that wasn't important. No. I opened my eyes, and in the distance, I saw a painful glow and realised it to be light.

A blue butterfly fluttered away from me, moving almost sporadically. It was far away, to such a degree that it was only a speck, but it grew closer by the second, until eventually I was only meters away from it.

I continued to watch it, wondering whether my subconscious was having a joke with me about butterflies dreaming of being people.

Finally, it landed on my open palm. It studied me curiously for a moment, before fluttering away with great haste into the darkness.

With a voiceless cry I lunged out for it, unwilling to be alone in the darkness, but it was already gone.

I had no clue how long I waited, hoping for it to come back, before my eyes slid shut once more, and I waited for the dream to end.

XXXXXXXXXX

I knew for a fact that I had just woken up, and yet for the life of me, I couldn't help but feel that I was still fast asleep. I hadn't even opened my eyes yet, and I already knew these weren't my ordinary surroundings. I wasn't lying in bed, but rather sat upright upon a comfortable chair. The lighting was wrong too- a lot darker than my own room normally is. And there was a haunting, melancholic voice ringing in my ears- just quiet enough that it was almost background noise. A song that sung to me on the deepest level.

And then I opened my eyes, and it only reinforced the idea that this had to be a dream. "Well shit, is this a hallucination?"

Across from me, a serene voice chuckled a little. The incredibly long nosed man leaned over his table to inspect me and offered a smile. "I believe you already know the answer to that question, Dreamer."

I did. Because even in my sleep deprived state, I recognised the sharply dressed man as Igor- the fictional 'servant' that managed the Velvet Room. The stereotypical, mysteriously vague Gandalf figure responsible for assisting his guests as they proceeded through their quests to inevitably fight some evil god of some kind. And I just so happened to be in a blue tinted room, across from an Igor lookalike, with a white/blonde-haired girl standing off to one side- an implacable expression upon her features. And so, if I was here, then that meant… "Please tell me I'm not a guest. Please tell me that this isn't one of those damned Self-Insert scenarios. That this is just some crazy dream."

Igor shook his head. "Again, you already know the answer."

" _Damn. There go any hopes of self-delusion on my end."_ Unfortunately, I was far too cognizant for this to be a hallucination, and I wasn't dumb enough to block my ears and hide away from the truth. "I guess I can't deny it. As strange as it all is, for the minute I'm willing to accept that this situation is happening. I'm in Persona… somehow. And I'm in this Room. So… go on. Hit me."

Because the only time somebody shows up in the Velvet Room, it's when shits about to get real weird real quick. And I'd just started university- the perfect launching point for an 'adventure'.

"I am happy to see that you catch on quickly. However, do not be in too much of a rush. Allow me my pleasantries, at the very least."

I rolled my eyes, looking around my room a tad bit impatiently.

He cleared his throat. "My name is Igor, and it is a pleasure to welcome you to the Velvet Room. This place stands between dreams and reality, and mind and matter… though I fear the boundary is far less nowadays than it once was. And to my left stands Lavenza, another resident of this place."

I took the moment to look at the attendant a bit more closely and couldn't help but let out a whistle of surprise. I knew that she'd looked familiar, but the name confirmed it. This was the attendant of Persona 5's MC-kun, or rather the final fused form of his two attendants. She looked quite a bit older, however. Whereas in the game she handily filled the role of the 'token loli', she now looked closer in age to myself. She still had the same kind smile, and was still on the petite side, but her looks had definitely been refined with time.

At the very least, I didn't feel like a real pedo for admitting that she looked rather nice now.

"Well, I didn't expect to see you." I admitted.

She bowed respectfully but didn't seem offended. "While I have already served as an attendant for one Trickster, that was mostly through the capacity of my two separate selves. This time you shall have my aid as Lavenza, and I hope you find that satisfactory."

"I don't think I'll have a problem." I admitted. She was polite at the very least, so I doubted that I'd have any problems interacting with her while Persona-ing. Heavens knows how I would have been able to put up with a brat like Caroline instead…

"So then, Dreamer, should we come to crux of the matter?" Igor asked.

"I think so." I shuffled forwards a little on my chair, eagerly. Part of me still couldn't quite believe that this was happening, but I didn't dare _not_ take this seriously.

So, at my behest, Igor began. "You are about to go upon a journey- a vast Odyssey, one could almost describe it. However, unlike the heroes of old your path does not lead onwards, nor will you be ascending towards greater things. No. Dreamer, would you care to tell me what this Velvet Room looks like?"

"Well, I don't actually know." I admitted. I'd been taking in the decor ever since I first woke up, but I still didn't know what to make of it. Steel surrounded us on all sides, turning the room almost into a cage, and yet there were no bars. A single light fixture hung from the centre of the room, which bathed my surroundings in a dark blue tinge. I guessed it might have been an elevator, especially since we were _definitely_ in motion, based upon the motion of fixed lights I noticed outside of the 'cage' through thin, window like slots- but that didn't feel right.

So, I stepped up and walked over to one of the slits, looking for a more concrete look. As I approached, I noticed that I could hear a whirring sound. I gulped and stuck my head outside a little- it was so _damned_ difficult trying to see anything. I saw rock and stone walls, too far away to touch, but close enough to feel oppressive. And then by craning my head, I saw an infinite blackness both above and below, with a chain hanging onto the top of the cage that I could narrowly see lead up into the shadows.

"We're descending." I said aloud. "This is a _mining shaft_."

Igor applauded, and motioned for me to return to my seat, which I did so. "You are correct. This is a Mining Cage, and I am sure you are aware of how the shape of the Velvet Room ties into the journey itself."

"Boy am I. And just seeing what my room looks like makes me despair for this 'quest'." I sure didn't like what the symbolism of an enclosed cage rapidly descending into the darkness of an infinite shaft represented for my future.

"If you truly despair for your future, then perhaps a reading could shed some light upon your circumstances." Somehow, a set of blue tarot cards were already in his hands and fanned before me. That Igor had some mad dexterity. "This is the least I can do as service. Would you care to see?"

"Sure." I shrugged. I had never exactly put much stock in fortune telling, which was funny considering how my mum actually made a living teaching yoga and selling tarot reading, but what could you do? I liked to consider myself an open sceptic. You can believe in what you want and I won't deny those views or thoughts even if I can't agree- and at the very least I try to remain open minded to things I don't properly understand.

And if Igor was offering it, then I was sure that it would prove metaphorically significant in some fashion.

"Very well then. I shall now begin." He deftly shuffled his cards, before laying seven down in a V like shape. He flipped over the first, revealing the image of a structure being melted down by a dragon's fire, while an all-seeing eye hung above- watching. "The Tower. A curious choice of a first card, especially as it represents your past."

"Ruin, destruction, upheaval." I listed out with my fingers. "That really doesn't seem to suit me at all." I'd lived a perfectly normal life before I woke up here and had no clue why I even _was_ here. My life was no worse than anybody else's, and what painful moments I _did_ have in my past I wasn't arrogant enough to consider them much worse than anyone else's. Suffice to say, I hadn't experienced any 'ruin' lately- that was for sure.

"Do not be so hasty. The Arcana reveals all, and just because you cannot identify the meaning, does not mean it isn't there." Igor chided me lightly. "The Tower also means the old making way for the new, spiritual renewal, and revelations. Suffice to say, your old burdens have definitely been lifted from your shoulders, and the ruin should not be feared so highly as it has already long since happened."

"So, if my past if Ruin, what is my present?"

Indulgingly, he flipped the second card, a man with a tiger latched at his side, while an umbilical cord wraps around him thrice. "As expected, you are presently the Fool. A new journey begins… though I will not claim that this was an unexpected card to either of us. The next one though…"

The third one, my future, was revealed. A sideways body with the head of an eagle, clutching a rod of some kind. "The Aeon."

"The Aeon?" I asked in confusion. "That's not one of the standard Arcana."

"You are correct. However, sometimes different decks can yield different spreads, and while I have never been partial to Crowley's Thoth deck, I cannot deny that it has its own merits and charms."

An unusual deck for an unusual journey, it seemed. "Your journey will be a difficult one. Harmony has been lost, and it is only through critical wisdom that the correct path will be uncovered… finality and destruction or hope and liberation. In the end, your judgement will be the deciding factor."

"Well doesn't _that_ sound pleasant. Not at all ominous." I wouldn't trust myself to fight my way out of a paper bag, let alone decide the fate of the world itself.

Flip. A man with wings upon his feet. "Fear not- there is clear guidance for what you must do reach the optimum outcome. As the Magus suggests, you must take action. Remain active. You must use all tools and actions to achieve your goals, and…" another flipped card. The Moon. "Most importantly of all, do not allow yourself to give into your fears. Your anxiety and self-doubt… cast aside such illusions."

And then, the sixth card was revealed. A skeletal figure with two faces accompanied by a serpent. "Death. External change, as opposed to the Towers Internal change. This is both your greatest hope and fear. Do not allow yourself to become Reversed- change is not something to be resisted. And as for your final result… how this shall all end…" The final card was turned over, displaying an upside-down man, hanging by his foot. The Hanged Man.

"I believe that this concludes your reading. I hope it proves enlightening."

"Thanks." I replied, though internally I wished that I hadn't bothered asking. These answers… they troubled me more than they helped me. With my limited understanding of the Arcana, I understood just enough of my reading to be worried about the results. Tower, Fool, Aeon, Magician, Moon and Hanged Man.

I really hoped that this journey of mine had a happy ending.

"And now, I believe that there is but a single thing left to do." Lavenza spoke up, stepping towards the table. In her hands, she held up a scroll, which she placed before me along with a raven's feather.

I read the scroll aloud. "I agree to take full responsibility for my own actions."

"With this contract signed, you will fully become a guest of the Velvet Room, and your journey will truly begin." A dour look crossed Igor's face for a moment. "Events have already begun, and you _will_ be drawn in one way or another, so this is more a formality more than anything. However… the choice is still yours."

Choice… that was what this contract was about. I was being drawn into a Persona based scenario, and I was clearly set to play the role of the Fool- just like those MC-kuns that came before me. If I refused to sign this then I would likely perish, but if I wrote my name there then there would be no going back. I would be stuck dealing with this scenario whether I wanted to or not. Refusing to sign at the very least gave me a small, slim possibility to escape…

But at the end of the day, whatever disaster was upon the horizon, it would happen with or without me signing this. The only difference was whether I would be willing to step up to try and stop it, or whether I backed out.

I signed my name. Either way I was damned, but I knew that I had been _chosen_ to do this, and Igor was ultimately a beneficial supporter of humanity. Even if I doubted my ability to accomplish what he wanted, I had to hope that he knew things I didn't and had selected me for a reason.

Blink. _"Unless he's an imposter doing a Person 5."_

"Hey Igor, you'd totally tell me if you were tricking me about your identity and motivations and actions, right?"

Igor laughed a little. "Well, if I _was_ tricking you, surely I would lie about whether I'd tell you or not, wouldn't I?"

"Fuuuck. I knew I was forgetting something." Lavenza looked like she wanted to break out into a little giggle, though for all I knew she was merely suppressing a cough. "Oh well. Guess I'll just have to take a Persona Protagonist rank in Badass and Git Gud enough to beat you… just in case."

The gaunt man inclined his head. "I urge you to try. Having goals is important, even if a milestone such as this stands oh so far ahead of you."

Suddenly, an alarm started to sound. It lacked the sheer volume or panic of a fire alarm, but instead possessed the low and constant buzz of an alarm clock- as if someone was trying to awaken me, and the me within the dream was only just starting to realise that it was time to wake up.

"It appears that our time is up for now, Dreamer." Lavenza noted. Quickly, she reached into a pocket and drew out a key- which she handed to me.

"Indeed. We shall meet again." Igor said, the velvet lights flickering and the sound of the alarm clock reaching a new crescendo. "Seek the depths, Dreamer. Seek the depths."

XXXXXXXXXX

 **Day 1**

And so for the second time did I wake up, thinking that I was still asleep. I remembered my encounter with Igor and Lavenza in the Velvet Room most, and so I anticipated that I would get mixed up in something supernatural… eventually. Certainly, not this quickly, anyway.

I couldn't remember exactly what I was doing before I went to the Velvet Room- where I fell asleep, or what I was doing about then, but I remembered enough to know that the last place I had been was _not_ inside some hybrid piece of abstract architecture, lying upon a stone casket.

With a groan, I rose from my sleeping position, and got to my feet. "Where the fuck am I?"

As expected, no answer. _"Oh well. Only thing I can do is try and figure it out personally. Either way, this isn't a_ normal _place, so I should expect something crazy to happen soon."_

First things first, I gave the room a good look over. All in all, the room had a rather contradictory appearance- as if I was in an ornate room in a temple that was somehow trying to masquerade as a modern building. Walls of concrete with inscrutable hieroglyphs painted on in what looked like spray paint, overhanging lampshades with will-o-wisps instead of bulbs. One entrance, and then there was the burial casket I'd woken up atop of that had stone outer walls, but a wooden lid.

"Confusing." I muttered, tapping the hollow centrepiece, but I moved on. I needed a way out, so my next target was the sole exit to the room- a fire escape door helpfully labelled 'No Escape' and with no handles. I gave it a strong push- no reaction. As expected, the lever next to the door was probably the key here. Without another word, I shifted the level, and watched how the door swung open on its own- revealing that beyond the door began a vast corridor- oppressive despite the regularly swinging light features running across the ceiling (Probably because they were swinging _despite_ there being no breeze).

"Sweet… and now it's time to explore the creepy corridors. No problem." I started at a brisk walk. The sooner I left here the better.

The corridor went on for a good five minutes, with every small sound causing a jump of surprise from me as I expected something to go wrong. But no- things were luckily rather quiet. Until I finally met the bane of all gamers- a forking path. "Gah! Decisions!"

The left one started veering upstairs, featuring what looked like stairs in the distance, while the rightwards one merely seemed to go deeper into the darkness. It didn't take long for me to start jogging down the left one- because while Igor had told me to 'seek the depths', I would really prefer to 'seek them' with a little bit more preparation as opposed to diving head first into this place.

So I went up the path, taking the steps two at a time, until I reached the top and stopped sharp. Up ahead was a crossroad of corridors and shuffling across it was something distinctly _inhuman_. Under the fiery overhead light, I could see that its consistency was closer to a puddle than anything else, and it seemed to _slide_ through the corridor, pulling itself forwards using its two hands.

That, was a _Shadow_. As in one of the dark representations of the human psyche that served as the enemy mobs in the Persona franchise. And since that was a Shadow, then I knew without doubts that wherever I was, it was _definitely_ the Inevitable Supernatural Location.

I was in the Inevitable Supernatural Location… without a Persona… without a weapon… and I had just _frozen_. It would not be an exaggeration to say that I was in an extremely vulnerable position. And yet, despite the danger, my body just would. Not. Move.

All I could do was stand in silence and hope that its masked face wouldn't look my way.

And luck must have been on my side, because several seconds later it was out of sight, having already continued down the path it had started upon. I waited a minute after it had vanished to sigh in relief- my body finally able to move.

"Damn, I'm pathetic." I muttered. Yes, I was undeniably powerless here, and had never been in a life-threatening situation in my life, but that didn't excuse anything. That thing had been creepy, but it hardly looked _powerful_ , and Persona users often spent their time pummelling Shadows for fun. So even without a Persona, I had no excuse for freezing like that.

" _This is serious now. It's not just 'escape the creepy place'. Now it's 'escape before they kill me'. So I can't be freezing up."_ I took a deep breath, and lightly slapped my cheeks. "Come on… we need to make a move on."

Pep talk initiated, I began my exploration, albeit with a large degree more haste. The Shadow had gone down the left path, so I went straight on. The path twisted and branched again, and I cursed. _"No time to ponder."_ I mused _"Just keep picking- it doesn't matter so long as we keep going."_

So, I ignored my hesitation, and went straight for instinct. Right this time. Wrong choice. Another shadow puddle ahead. Okay. Maybe if I shuffle backwards it might not notice me like the other-

Blink. Okay. Its masks swivelled this way. And fuck. Its noticed me. Run. RUN ALREADY!

It took way longer than I wanted to, but I managed to force my legs to move, and I sprinted back the way I came. I could hear it hot on my tails though- it had noticed me, and I had the feeling it wasn't going to let me slip.

I couldn't claim to have any kind of physical training or stamina, but I _did_ have desperation on my side, so I was able to reach the branching path without too many problems. I turned, seeing it still pursuing me like a very persistent puddle. I took a moment to catch my breath, and began jogging down the second path I hadn't picked. This one led to another crossroads and another Shadow- just my luck.

Left, right, straight on, left. I kept sprinting through the ruins, turning as soon as I spotted a Shadow, and taking small breaks around corners when I could. I was sweating like a pig, and my clothes stuck to me like a glove. I'd already pulled off my hoodie and tied it around my waist, just so it wasn't in the way. And yet, the Shadows were persistent. I think I'd lost the first two, but more seemed to keep taking their place. It was a nightmare- especially as I seemed no closer to escape.

All I'd seen were the same twisting, narrow corridors with no reprieve save for the occasional alcove or odd pieces of decoration: old pots, crumbling statues and rusted candelabras hung sporadically from the walls. No exists, no reprieve. Nothing.

" _If I don't find an escape quickly, or figure out how to magic up a Persona, then I'm deadmeat."_ Though that was an idea. I turned around, to the four puddles sliming towards me, overlapping as they crowded towards me. Then, I bumped my fist high, feeling a little silly, and tried to imagine a glowing card. Finally, I shouted defiantly: "PERSONA!"

… and then nothing happened, save for me feeling a little silly and out of breath, and the Shadows being a bit closer than I'd like.

"Okay, so _that_ was a bust." Back to running, in other words.

Right, left, straight on, dead end, double back and right, right, left. Then, finally, something _different_. A lever, like the one that I'd used to open the door to the room I'd awoken in. I pulled it down with a loud grunt, and heard the sound of something clicking open nearby. I took a quick run to the upcoming corridor and saw it to my left: a passageway leading to an open room, with doors opened wide. I would have jumped for joy if I had the energy. Instead, I geared up another burst of speed, diving into the room. I saw that it was similar to the room I'd awakened in, save for the fact that the centrepiece for the room was a large pedestal with a gem on it as opposed to a casket, and a single, tinted window. The glass was dark, so I could see nothing beyond it, but it was perhaps a way _out_.

I rushed towards it and tried to whack it with my shoulder or elbow- something that could maybe break it without hurting me, but the glass wouldn't budge. Either it was reinforced, or I was weak. I spun, looking for another exit, and saw that there was none. The window, and the open door. The one five of the puddles were sliding down.

"Fuuuck. I messed up." When I saw the room, I should have gone elsewhere- because nothing is quite as bad as a dead end when you lack the ability to fight back properly. I had a final idea, and rushed to the doors, pushing the open doors shut. I heard no locking sound and knew that it would only remain as shut as I held it, but it gave me a moment of hope. _"If I hold it shut long enough, maybe they'll get bored and go elsewhere?"_

Then, beneath the door I saw a slither of shadow slip through, and I realised another mistake. The fire-doors had gaps at the bottom like most doors, _and I was literally fighting puddles_. Already, they were slowly sliding through the narrow gap, forcing me to jump back. I was pressed against the pedestal now- the stone digging into my back. In front of me, I saw a dark hand emerge from beneath the door, as the first Shadow pulled itself out from the floor- with its brethren close behind.

"Fucking hell! _REALLY!?_ " I, was sincerely pissed right now. Dragged into a supernatural mess by characters that quite frankly _shouldn't exist due to being fictional_ , and then dumped into the Obligatory Supernatural Location without so much as a warning. "How they fuck did they expect me to handle this!?"

I couldn't fight. I couldn't run. I was _trapped_. And this terrified me. I hated the idea of being powerless, that for all my smarts there was nothing against an unthinking opponent I couldn't talk down. Igor was a jackass who'd put my life at risk, despite _knowing_ exactly how little I was cut out for this!

My fingers were clenched so tightly that I was certain my nails had pierced skin. I wasn't too much of a man to admit that I had the beginning of tears in my eyes. I was upset, terrified, and fucking _pissed_. Because I didn't want it to end like this. I didn't want to go out with a whimper.

My blood was boiling now, my palms bleeding, and my head pounding. On some level, I knew this was uncharacteristic of me, but I didn't mind. I felt that white hot anger, and I held it close to me, because it was better than the alternative. I wanted to _live_.

Tha-thump. Tha-thump. Tha-thump. My heart and mind beat as one, and then it was like my skull tore itself open, and something tried to desperately escape.

" **So, you wish to live?"** A confident voice whispered to me, his words reverberating throughout my whole body.

"Yes." I responded, fully aware that I was only speaking to myself at this point.

" **Alas, it takes more than that, my other self. Say it. Say it with** _ **resolve**_ **."**

"I… I don't want to die like this! I need to LIVE!" I screamed out. It was as simple as that. Beyond the base animal instinct for survival, there was so much I wanted to accomplish with my life. Finishing a novel, falling in love, being remembered… and here and now, I wanted to see Igor's pointed nose and _smack him on it_.

" **Hmmm… that shall do. For now."** And with that, the pounding in my head intensified, and my boiling blood became _fire_. There was a fire inside me now, and it was begging to be let out. **"Go forth. There is still such indecision to you, but in time I see what you shall become, over the course of your voyage. Thus, allow your journey to commence now, and transform your hesitation into determination. Call my name, for Thou art I, and I am Thou! From the sea of thy soul I come, and I shall stand by you to the Nine Hells and back!"**

The inferno inside me was overwhelming, and I knew I couldn't hold it in any longer… so I didn't. I pulled the metaphorical trigger. My right hand went to my chest, just over my heart, and then I _pulled_ , and spoke the instinctive words. "Persona!"

Blue fire collected in my palm, and like a whip it lashed out from my torso as I tugged. Then, the burning inside me flooded out- exploding outwards above me as I could feel _something_ forming. It was overwhelming, and I fell to one knee, and I looked up to see what I'd called.

From the depths of my soul, it emerged amidst fire and smoke and ash. A tall, handsome figure, floating in mid-air. His hair was black as night and was tied neatly behind him in a short ponytail, which clashed greatly with the ash white, porcelain mask that hid his face behind the smiling face of comedy. As for his attire? Tall, brown boots, lightly armoured legs, and a dark set of leather mail for his torso, with a billowing red cloak masking almost everything inside. Save, perhaps, for the Persona's weapon that was sheathed at its hip- a sword of some kind.

It stood there resolutely, as if pleased with my summoning of it, but did no more. Then, I understood, and shouted aloud. "Cleave them, Dante!"

Then, the sword was unsheathed, and my Persona dropped like a ten-tonne weight- utterly crushing the first Shadow as its short sword cleaved it in two. The other four Shadows stopped dead in their tracks for a moment, perhaps out of surprise, before lunging forwards.

Dante stepped into the path of the attacks, taking the hits in my stead, though I could still feel it as if the damages were my own. Enraged, I ordered a counter attack. "Dante, Agi!" The Persona flung out its free arm, and from his palm a fireball emerged and shot into the mass of shadows- instantly destroying the second. Seeing it burn… I somehow knew that the enemy was Weak to Fire and looked forwards to putting the rest of them in their places.

… or at least I did, until the Shadow furthest away from me flung a bolt of ice at Dante. The Spell felt like a sucker punch, and Dante disappeared like a flickering candle extinguished. This made an opening that the next Shadow was very happy to take advantage of- slipping right up close and slashing at me with an open palm. A shallow wound opened up on my arm, and with a wince I jumped back- hitting that pedestal again in the process.

" _Looks like Dante has an Ice weakness. And my first enemies use it. Talk about the worst Tutorial ever."_

Rather than voicing this annoyance aloud, I instead fell back on anger. "Fuck it. I'm gonna kill you!" My arm was bleeding, I was fairly sure I had a bruise on my back where I'd impacted with the stand, and these puny-ass low-level Shadows were putting up way more of a fight than I wanted. "To my side, Dante!" Again, my fiery protector appeared at my side, and flung a fireball at the closest Shadow. Another enemy down. "And again!" Boom, another one bites the dust.

Shitshitshiticeattack. Dispelled Dante before it hit him, then brought him back. Fuck though, was it tiring to summon him or what? Doubly so for those fireballs- I was already feeling as if my engines were half empty, and I'd only chucked three out. "Dante, Cleave it!" One final attack to finish it. An obvious swing, but too strong to resist or ignore. And so the Shadows fell.

With a laugh of relief, I fell to my knees. "Damn, I'm alive!"

Yes, I was alive. I'd somehow lived through the encounter and had even Awakened my Persona to boot. Results?

I stayed there, on my knees on the cold floor, for a good five minutes, just giggling happily to be alive. And also for having _motherfucking superpowers_.

" _Okay, so the saving the world bit sucks, and the risking my life bit sucks. But I guess it kinda balances out for giving me the power to summon Pokemons from my head. If I end up with a Band of True Companions, then I might even forgive Igor for pulling me into this."_

After five minutes of this self-congratulatory-patting-myself-on-the-back, I finally felt recovered enough to get back to my feet. I was still drained, my arm was bleeding still, and I was feeling distinctly half full as far as my SP goes (Because let's call it what it is, my MP by any other name). But at the very least, I felt human enough to carry on.

"So, what now?" That was the question. I had a Persona now, so I wasn't defenceless, and I even had the advantage in a fight if I could get the first hit in since the enemies here seemed a bit on the weak side. Theoretically, I could head deeper in…

But on the other hand, _that would be fucking stupid_. I was drained, alone, and I honestly just wanted to find somewhere to sit down for a drink and to recover from my near-death experience. Exploring eldritch locations based upon the human psyche could wait for another day.

"So. Let's find a way out." There was still that dark window in the room, so I decided to try something. "Dante, Cleave." My Persona appeared, and then the sword swung into the glass, and it shattered with a loud CRASH. Beyond the glass was… more darkness? I approached, letting Dante fade away now that his job was done, and did the obviously sensible thing of poking the blackness. It was a physical thing, swirling lightly, and had a consistency like water.

I took a deep breath, knowing that this was probably a dumb idea, but… when you find a portal, sometimes the best thing to do is dive into it. I took one last final look around, grabbed the loose change I found lying on the floor courtesy of the Shadows (Because who didn't love loot?), slipped the gem sitting upon the altar into my pocket (Because after all the pain I went through to find this room, it was only fair that I got something out of it all), and then I took a running leap into the portal.

As I crossed the threshold, I felt an intense chill spread through me for a moment. I couldn't see anything. I couldn't breathe. All I could do, was _open my eyes_. The darkness ended, and I passed out the other end. I struck solid floor and cried out with a swear word in two. _"In hindsight… probably should have_ walked calmly _through the ominous portal as opposed to diving head first through it."_

Alas, one cannot lie on the floor all day, and I needed to find out where I was. I looked about. I was definitely out of wherever the hell I'd woken up in. The world seemed back to normal- I was just in an ordinary dead-end alleyway. A bin, several piled up bags of rubbish, and a backdoor entrance to what seemed to be a restaurant based upon the smell coming from inside.

"No smashed window? Where the hell did I come from?" I looked behind me, to the very end of the alleyway. The wall looked ordinary… to begin with. But closer inspection revealed the truth to me. There- a large crack running through the bricks. I reached out and touched the split, then leapt back with a yell as I saw the scar expand outwards- growing until a full shadowy door could be seen. After 10 seconds or so with nobody passing through, the scar narrowed and thinned until it reverted to its initial state. "Huh. Neat."

So. That at least answered where I came from, and where I would need to return to enter back into that damned labyrinth… labyrinth… fuck it. I'm calling it the Labyrinth. It's a claustrophobic mess of deep passages and corridors filled with shadowy things. The Labyrinth works fine for me. It sounds kinda catchy in the edgy sort of way and is a lot shorter to say than Obligatory Supernatural Location.

Next step. Figure out where I am (Because this damn well didn't look like my home town and had far too many tall buildings to be where I planned to study). And then, find a place to sell my bigass jewel, because papa needs money to sleep at a hotel somewhere.

However, it was just as I left the alleyway that fate seemed to punch me in the balls… or rather smack me in the face with a loose paper. Because I _did_ get slapped in the face with a loose newspaper. With a growl I pulled it off my face, cursing the strong breeze for embarrassing me so, and planned to chuck it aside. At least, I had until I saw the name of the paper.

'The Brockton Gazette'.

"Nope." I said, rather softly. "Nope. No way. We aren't doing that." Oh, but we _were_. A closer look at the front-page story and a brief skim through the rest was all I needed to confirm the exact thing I didn't want.

Brockton Bay. ABB. Empire 88. The PRT. Scion sighting. Endbringer taxes.

This… was motherfucking Worm.

"Am I dreaming? Am I being fucked with?" Because it was one thing to wake up in the Velvet Room and be told 'hey, suck it up, you're now an SI stuck with a Persona based mess to deal with for reasons I won't explain', and another to _find yourself in another completely unrelated franchise altogether._

"Iggoooorrr!" I roared out aloud, clutching the paper so tightly I was sure that it would tear through intensity alone. "This is dumb! I want a refund! My Teenage Supernatural Adventure is Wrong, and I didn't expect it!"

 **AN- so yeah. This is basically the general gist of what this idea is. A Self Insert stuck in a Multicross story with Persona as the core theme/system linking things, and the Labyrinth being what the whole plot is tied to and which serves as the primary means to travel between these different worlds (And no, for you Megami Tensei fans out there, this isn't the same Labyrinth as the Persona Q one). If this fic were to continue, it would show our plucky SI make friends, fight shadow monstrosities, typical teenage shenanigins, etc. I think one of the main spins for this fic though was the base nature of our SI meant that a lot of the Persona tropes couldn't be done. This isn't the Real World and SI-kun is basically dumped here, so he sure won't be dealing with the highschool hijinks (Since he doesn't actually have an identity) that normal protagonists are. This also means that he doesn't have an easy, fresh supply of hapless victims to drag into his Shadow hunting enterprise. Instead, he has to deal with the fairly annoying facts of life, such as trying to make money, network in his own time, manage a vast social calendar that features extra complexity due to him having Social Links occurring in different worlds.**

 **Heck, for the first part of this fic the only one to enter the Labyrinth would be SI-kun (Since he can't make friends ;) ), so having only a single Persona user trying to deal with things is a bit of a different spin. No SEES already existing to explain things and no friends who were there from the start to help you figure it out- just SI-kun, and anyone he personally tries to recruit. SI-kun as a character has a loooong way to go before he's as badass as an average Persona protag. He has a very long journey ahead of him...**

 **I'd say this fic is closer in nature to Persona 3 and the earlier games than the latter two, though it obviously contains elements of all the games that I like, since this is largely an original story using the set piece of Persona and the individual worlds/characters to tell the story. Not sure if this will be continued, but I suppose it depends upon where my muse wanders.**


	5. To The Beginning

**AN- not wasting my summer. Nosiree. My muse wanders ever more, and this is another theoretical Fate SI I wanted to put to paper. And this one is set not in any Fuyuki Grail War, but rather the Tokyo War of Fate Prototype. Because its a pretty fun story that nobody really uses, and I would pay good money to read a fic set there.**

 **Fate Prototype: To The Beginning**

A familiar story, a familiar start. A ferocious hound with a spear in hand, invading the home of a rookie Magus. The defences fall, the intruder enters unstopped, and the Magus fights back- hopelessly. All attacks blocked, all spells negated, and with every attempt weaker through their defiance.

And so, the Magus flees to their sanctuary, in one final desperate struggle to survive the first night of the Holy Grail War. Almost inevitably, the door is broken down, and the Lancer enters the final stronghold.

He approaches the prone form, spear poised to thrust. And then, the Magus may only do one thing in response to their incoming demise- cry out for help. For a hero. For someone to protect them and rescue them from this situation they neither wanted to be in or intended to fight within.

"Save me!" the Magus cries out, and lo and behold, her prayers are answered. The spear thrust is blocked by what can only be described as radiant, silver light, which flooded from her torso and seeped into the entirety of the flora around her. The Lancer was thrown back, unable to finish his killing blow.

The light soared to a crescendo, as the summoning continued, until it finally died away to reveal a new figure in the room. It was almost like the beginning of a story- a girl summons a magical knight to protect her, whom will happily stand between and the enemy which sought to destroy her.

The key word here was _almost_. The third person in the workshop was hardly a knight here to save the day; in fact, he looked more confused than anything. A fairly normal looking young man, barely older than his summoner. Average height, short brown hair, an unassuming face. Perfectly plain. Meanwhile, his attire of a set of plain trousers and a dark navy shirt beneath a long coat.

He blinked once in confusion, and then said three short words. "What the fuck?"

XXXXXXXXXX

It was like waking from a slumber refreshed and ready for the day; like listening to an invigorating musical score to motivate you; to the almost manic feeling of caffeine running through your bloodstream at 3 in the morning.

The silver light was everywhere, before it dispersed in an instance- leaving me to blink away the spots in my vision.

I felt… odd. My mind was working properly- or perhaps it had merely failed to properly boot up, as I sure had no idea where I was or what I was doing before this very second.

"What the fuck?" I was in a greenhouse, for lack of a better term. Greenery was everywhere: bushes and plants and flowers, and were those _pigeons_? Then, besides me on the ground, was a girl who looked just as confused as I was ( _Brown hair and glasses, pretty in a bookish sort of way,_ I idly noted), while across from me was a blue haired man in light armour and wielding a wooden spear.

Yeah- that was right. A spear. There was a man brandishing a spear at me.

My mind blanked once again, and like a broken record I repeated myself. "What the fuck… is happening?"

And then there was no more time to ponder as the spear user _moved._ It was like watching lightning in motion- an impossible fast surge of motion, as the man surged away from his starting position. I could feel my legs and arms moving with reflexes I knew I didn't have, but it definitely wasn't enough. Time slowed to my eyes, but it was useless, as I felt like I was moving through jelly by comparison. Then, the spear was thrust, and I tried to evade, but the spear pierced my torso never the less.

I felt pain- pain I knew should have been more intense than it was (Somehow, I knew it was being dulled, so I could press on). And then that very first thrust of the fight was over, with the man pulling his spear back and leaping backwards- no doubt to try and avoid a counter attack.

Yet, I didn't strike back. One, because I didn't actually _have_ anything to fight with (Something I knew deep down was a lie), and two, because I still had _no fucking clue_ what was going on.

"Did you… did you just _try to shank me!_ No, you DID shank me!" I yelled, almost incredulously, grasping my bleeding torso that even now was slowly sealing itself shut through unknown means. "Fucking hell, who does that to a guy!?"

The bluehead gave me a dumb look of shock, before bursting into laughter. "What a catch, huh? Poor luck, black mage!"

"I suddenly feel really insulted." I noted, gingerly prodding my side, noting the small surge in pain. "But seriously, that was kind of uncalled for! What did I ever do to you!?" More to the point, what had I ever done to end up here in this greenhouse to begin with?

Honestly, I was chatting shit, and killing time. Even as I spoke, my mind wracked, trying to desperately tug at answers I knew my brain didn't have. This spearmaster… he'd been so fast that I could barely keep up with his movements. If he hadn't aimed his blow so half-heartedly… if he actually went all out… I knew that he'd kill me, and then he'd kill the girl behind me.

And so talking was all I could do (Or was it?).

The man continued to chuckle. "Damn, this really is laughable! I almost feel sorry for stabbing you, considering how pathetic this is! Really, a Servant asking why a fellow Servant is attacking him!?" Another round of laughter at my expense.

" _I'm getting real sick and tired of his attitude…"_ I thought to myself. But then, as I lamented the situation, a thought struck me. That last sentence of his had been rather jarring- a startling revelation, _because he'd actually said something that seemed familiar_. Servant… Servant…

… and thus, the penny drops. "Ahh, shit." I cursed, again.

'A Servant asking why a fellow Servant is attacking him'… the only context a Servant matches in my mind was that of the Fate franchise, based around magical heroes being summoned forth to fight against each other for an omnipotent wish that nine time out of ten only leads to disaster. And so, looking back, the pieces match up. I see a flash of light, a scared girl on the floor, and a medieval cosplayer with a spear almost too eager to stab me.

This situation was suspicious. I found myself here, with no clue how I'd gotten here, and no memories that may lead to why I arrived here. A man attacks with inhuman speeds, and I was somehow able to perceive him and adjust my body just slightly enough, so his thrust wasn't a killing blow. And then there is that _feeling_ , that itching _sensation_ that there was something more…

" _Its horrible how my first real conclusion is that I'm a Self-Insert character that has somehow been summoned forth as a Servant despite being the furthest thing from legendary."_

And yet, that was the only real answer I had. That I, had _somehow_ , been summoned forth by the girl behind me, and that it was _probably_ for the Holy Grail War.

"Dumb question." I began, making a quick timeout symbol with my two hands. "Is this the Holy Grail War?"

The Lancer raised an eyebrow. "Really?"

"What!" I said, defensively. "It's a valid question!"

Finally, I heard the girl speak. "Oh god, just end it already." Suffice to say, she sounded mortified. I couldn't exactly blame her; I could guess what the Lancer had been here to do to her, and I didn't exactly sound very reassuring.

"Okay, fine, this is a Grail War. Great." Except it wasn't, really, because despite being summoned as a Servant, didn't mean I had any of the powers of one (… okay, at the very least, it didn't mean I had the experience of one).

Lancer gave a little sigh of irritation. "Sorry, but my Master is getting pretty pissed off. This was only meant to take ten minutes you see, and while I admit that your confusion is a little amusing, but I should really end this."

"I don't suppose you could _not_?" I asked him, semi hopefully.

"Afraid not." He shook his head, twirling his spear and getting prepared for the next and final bout now that he knew my (non-existent) level of skill.

"Shit." I said, for a third time. It really felt like I was in a predicament. Things had only just begun, and yet they were already going to end. I wasn't… I wasn't ready to die. Not quite yet. I still had so much I wanted to do! In other words, I refused to end this without at least _trying_.

"Hey." I said, offhandedly to the girl. "I'm sorry that I can't get you out of this mess, but I want to try, even though I'll likely fail, and we'll end up dead anyway. That sound okay to you?"

The brown-haired girl looked surprised by my words, but managed a small nod, and finally managed to bring herself to stand up. "I… I don't want to die either. Not like this. So… the very least we can do is fight."

"I'd applaud your commitment if I wasn't busy readying myself to kill you." Lancer joked with a wide smile, and a twirl of his wooden spear.

"Silence from the peanut gallery." I replied, dismissively. His words were meaningless at this point. He was resolved to kill me, and me snubbing him really wasn't going to make the situation any worse. The only important thing was my desire to fight and maybe live through the night- the one shared by my apparent 'Master'.

Now, what could I, an average guy, do against a Heroic Spirit (Especially one like this, who I had the nagging suspicion was some version of Cu Chulainn due to his blue hair, attitude and choice of weapon)? Effectively nothing, and yet I could _hope_. I liked to imagine that if I had been summoned here, then it was for a reason. That maybe I had some qualifying factor, as opposed to merely being a pawn of fate tossed into an unwinnable situation for another's amusement.

There was this… niggling sensation, that I could be something more. I just didn't know _how_ to accomplish this. "Hey Master, do me a favour and use one of those Command Seals."

"Command Seals?" the bespectacled girl asked in confusion.

"Just… just order me to fight." I told her, taking a deep breath, and focusing all my attention upon the Lancer. "Order me to _win_."

Now, _that_ was the only plan I had. The Command Seal is a miracle capable of bringing about the impossible and causing a Servant to far surpass its limits. In this case, I had to hope that if I _did_ have some manner of combat potential, that a Seal command could bring such things out.

"Very well then." My Master began, taking a step backwards as light began to emit from _beneath her shirt of all things_. "Servant… fight him so we can escape!"

I didn't know what would happen once the Seal was cast- how it would work, what it would do to me, or just how far it would push me. Suffice to say, the sensation upon its activation was indescribable. A surge of adrenaline, a song of victory, the world focusing by several inches and the panic fading from my mind as I somehow knew that the impossible was possible.

And then, as the enemy Lancer charged, I realised that the song of victory I heard wasn't just a metaphor. In my head, I could hear them. I'd _always_ been able to hear them but had never noticed them- like words lost amidst a storm, whispers amidst a torrential downpour. But now the storm had passed, and all those voices came to focus.

 _ **Well it's about time.**_

 _ **We've waited long enough.**_

 _ **It's time to fight.**_

 _ **No more hesitation.**_

 _ **For we have all been awaiting this moment.**_

I felt them, and for a moment I could almost sense them with my minds eye. In the darkness they gathered- a thousand flickering embers amidst a thick rain. They were short lived and dim, but with their own timid form of determination to maintain themselves despite the ease with which they could fade away. And me? It was like I was an umbrella for them to gather beneath, offering a light reprieve from the perpetual rainstorm that battered their frail existences.

And now, in my time of need, I reached out to the Embers, and they dutifully came at my call. Almost instinctively, I reached for one, and heard it speak, though it was more attributing a voice to the feelings and urges contained within.

 _ **Heh. Against a hunter of beasts, I'm the one you need.**_

Then the Ember (Der Freishchutz, the _hunter_ ) entered me, and I felt stronger, as knowledge and power flowed into me, which I immediately tapped into. With speeds greater than I'd been capable of before, I reached out and grasped the weapon I knew would now come to me without delay. In my hands I now held an old-fashioned rifle fashioned from cold iron, with a metal chain serving as a strap. My hands instinctively grasped it correctly, and then I fired.

Power was drawn from a well I never knew existed (My Mana, I realised, being spent to fuel the magic gun), and then in a blaze of blue light the gun roared into life. Lancer's eyes widened slightly, but he deflected it easily enough, and continued his charge.

Therefore, I kept shooting. It wouldn't help me much, but it bought me a moment of time, and slowed him. Quickly, I spun and slung my Master over my shoulder (Ignoring her squawk of surprise and protests), and then sprinted away as fast as I could, taking the occasional pot shot at Lancer.

"Put me down!" She protested as I charged out the broken door, occasionally whacking my back. I knew that before I was a Servant I would struggle with this minor feat of strength, but now I barely felt her form on my shoulder. I took a quick glance at the surroundings- a decent sized house to one side (Lets be real, it was a mansion), while I was in a garden that showed signs of battle based upon the slight trenches I saw in the dirt and the corpse of a hound off to one side.

"No can do. If I drop you, you'll die." I said, turning to the building I emerged from and giving a loud yell as I poured more Mana into my gun- firing more and more bullets of light into the open doorway I could see Lancer trying to pass through. Eventually, he clearly got sick of trying to wade into the storm of bullets and passed out of sight of the door.

" _He's not given up. Just picking a different-"_

BOOM. Another wall was broken, and I continued to run. My target was the nearby wall. Staying here was suicide- so perhaps a change of scene was necessary. At the very least, I needed to make this as difficult as possible for Lancer, who I knew was still ridiculously faster than me despite my recent surge in Agility.

Suffice to say, the odds were a bit better, but this still wasn't enough to match the hound of light, nor was it enough to allow me to escape unharmed. I needed _more_.

And so, I looked inwards again. Because I had grasped an Ember, and with it grew more powerful, so what would happen if I called upon another?

At my questioning, I felt several Embers slip into my perception. I couldn't tell how, but I instantly knew that these were all spirits that could answer my call and lend me power, and that these few were the ones that would be most suitable for the problems that I perceived. I had problems, and I needed skills to deal with them, and these Embers were those that could provide.

Wordlessly, I drew the Ember in (The Headless Horeseman, eager to ride again), and felt more changes occur. Shadows started to wrap around me, climbing up my body and wreathing my face in a veil of shadows I could barely look through. I looked down; my coat had turned into something more akin to a cloak.

"And now, we ride." I intoned darkly, a midnight black horse manifesting below me with myself already upon its saddle. My Master likewise ended up upon its back, no longer attached to my shoulder. Instead, she clung to my back and hid her face, still yelling at me to drop her (I promptly ignored her, of course). The hellish beast neighed, and then cleared the fence in one large leap, and then continued to ride further down the street. I felt myself smile as I pressed the horse to go faster and faster.

My pursuer was still on my tail, however. Lancer was right on my tail, and already the distance I'd gained grew shorter and shorter, letting me see his feral smile grow ever closer. "First a gun, and now a horse? You _are_ a surprising Servant. Show me more!"

I didn't reply, save to fire off another few rounds of my gun.

" _This is better, but not perfect. I can feel the strain. I know that I'm not able to draw upon nearly as many Phantoms as I should be able to… but even so. I should be able to manage at least one more."_

So again, into the darkness my mind went, to pull at another Ember to add to my fire. This time I wasn't looking for something new to add to my power- I didn't need another lesser manifestation, and a bit more versatility wouldn't particularly help me. No- I knew that I needed to play this a little bit more strategically. I needed to escape, and this Horesman was presently my best bet. Instead, I wondered if I could _empower_ my Horseman and make its mystery stronger.

This time it took more time for me to organise the Embers, and longer still for a suitable candidate to come forwards. I knew that there were many Embers here, but I also knew that there was no guarantee that what I wanted would be here- due to the short-lived nature of the Embers I drew upon- or that I'd be able to sieve through all the Embers quickly enough. Still, a candidate was offered and was close enough to what I needed, and so I gratefully accepted it.

 _ **A wise choice. Let my legend become your power**_.

The Ember enveloped the Horesman, and I felt its Legend increase due to the high compatibility the Invisible Man had with the other Phantom. Two spirits of grief and revenge- a spirit of the night and an invisible man of the day. Very different, but they overlapped nicely, and gave the Horseman access to more of its Mystery. After all, while the Horseman primarily featured in the Legend of Sleepy Hollow, that was hardly its sole appearance in history. The lone rider on the misty night, a Dullahan of Ireland, an omen of death.

And death walks unseen, for none can see the Reaper coming for them. Therefore, with a little boost, it was relatively simple for Horeseman to tap into these other aspects of its legend.

How this quirk manifested was interesting too, and one that I felt was a fair trade off for the invisibility that the Invisible Man would have given me had I called upon him alone. The reward for empowering the Horseman was to grant the horse an additional power to supplement its nature as a Lesser Monstrous Beast.

With a decent payment of Prana (Luckily, my Mana had improved with the addition of the Horeseman's empowerment), the effect triggered. The shadows rose up and swallowed us whole. For a few seconds we rode through the darkness, before emerging into the light once more.

From behind me, I could feel my Master tremble due to the short amount of time we'd spent in there, but that didn't matter. What _did_ matter was that I'd just recreated Mrs O'Leary's shadow travel ability and had just transported us just over 2 miles away from where we'd last been. Either way, I'd finally put some distance between ourselves and the Lancer.

"What was that?" she asked me, quietly.

"Honestly, I don't really know." I replied honestly, stepping off my horse. I motioned for her to do the same, and she visibly gawked at the idea. I suddenly realised that she had no clue how to mount or dismount a horse, and that I likely shouldn't have know either. So yeah- I helped her off the horse too, before dispelling the animal as well as the rest of the Embers that had been empowering me. Almost immediately, I felt the exhaustion hit me- the sudden drop in parameters was staggering.

Then, the girl seemingly recovered, and was now more annoyed than shocked. "No, not just that. What's going on? Who _are_ you?"

"My name is Edward." I told her, simply.

"As in the King?" She asked. "But I can't see how all your powers tie into him."

"Not the monarch." I shook my head. "Hi, I'm Edward, the guy dragged into this War against my will, and has no real clue what's going on, or how I'm doing any of what I'm doing. Now, I think you have just as many questions to answer for me. You're going to take me somewhere reasonably safe, and then we're gonna sit down, and we're gonna figure out what the fuck is going on."

XXXXXXXXXX

In the end, we found ourselves at a _McDonalds_ of all places. It made sense, I guess. We couldn't head back to the house as Lancer would likely be there waiting for us and needed to lay low for a while. Fast food places were one of the few places that would stay open this late at night, while McDonalds was one of the few to boast 24-hour services.

So, Ayaka (As she named herself while we waked here) led us to the home of Ronald McDonald himself, and ordered each of us a hot drink. Thank our lucky stars Ayaka was at least a competent enough Mage to Hypnotise the hired clerk to believe that we'd paid (Since Ayaka had obviously left her purse back at her house).

And so, nursing my hot chocolate, I asked the question that brought the silent Ayaka out of her thoughtful silence.

"So, I was hoping to ask you a few questions. Though, I don't quite know where to start." I admitted. "I don't suppose you could explain what the deal with _this_ Grail War is, could you? That might help me start."

She didn't look enthusiastic, by Ayaka began to talk. Piece by piece she explained the mess that we were in. First off, this was a very different kettle of fish to the ones that I was familiar with- similar, but eerily so. This was the _second_ war, for one thing, with the first only being 8 years ago, which already differed greatly from the main timeline I knew. For another, this War was set up on the initiative of the Church as opposed to the Magi, and the Holy Grail definitely seemed a lot closer to its namesake than the than the original which was more just a name given to the ritual used. Hell, I think there's only the _one_ Grail- no Lesser or Greater Grails to divvy up the tasks.

Other details: no Command Seals; they have these things called Masters' Degrees instead (Though who the hell knows how they differ, as they seem to functionally do the same thing- command Servants, represent their participation in the war, and do a lot of glowing). Fun fact- we have no Moderator, and it also seems like the Three Families as I know them don't exist in this timeline or just don't play a role.

And then there was my Master… poor girl. "My sister competed in the last war." She admitted sombrely. "She was the pride and joy of my father and the greatest prodigy our family ever produced, and yet she died all the same, along with my father."

I didn't know what to think of her. She acted so dour and glum, and every mention to the last war seemed to make her flinch at the memory. She was like a strange mixture of Shirou, Rin and Sakura- the formers status as an orphan of the Grail War and obvious status as an MC-cun, with the middles attitude, mentality and history, topped off with Sakura's glumness and obvious Sister Problems.

"So, we have ourselves a fairly standard War. No bullshit. No extra Servants. Just seven Masters' and seven Servants, and a fight for the Holy Grail." It was almost extraordinary in just how mundane it was. No Apocrypha. No Grand Servants. No tomfoolery in trying to summon Gods. No Class Cards. Just a simple Grail War.

Now if only it was one I was familiar with. Like, the concept _sounds_ familiar (I think Nasu had a prototype version of Fate, but I have no clue whether this has any connection to that), but I just don't know.

"A-anyway, now that I've told you all that, I think you owe me just as many answers. I mean, as far as Servants go, you're an odd one. There's something off about you and just by the fact that you needed to ask about this War meant you were strange. So, what are you doing here?" She accused, pointing at me accusingly. I inclined my head in agreement but took my time to answer- using my hot chocolate as an opportunity to buy some time.

Afterall, what was I supposed to tell her? The truth, as unbelievable as it sounded? Or a lie, which would be hard to keep up? The latter was possible, as EMIYA got away with pretending to be an amnesiac for most of his own wars. It would explain my ignorance, and it sounded like the kind of thing Ayaka would believe. No offense meant to her, but she acted rather insecure, and playing it off that _she_ botched the ritual would likely get her off my back for a-while.

But on the other hand, _I had no actual reason to lie_. We were in this together, were we not? I may not have wanted to become a part of this war, but neither had she. And while she calls herself an incompetent Mage, I'm an incompetent Servant- hell, I wasn't even _meant_ to be a Servant. My sole skill seemed to be channelling the power of those Phantoms I called Embers- but even with them, I knew that my skills and abilities couldn't really match up to normal Servants.

Not as I was, anyway. If I learned to use more spirits… maybe. But then if we took into account the Bullshit tier that Fate seems to favour, I'd die like anyone else.

So, it was a matter of practicality. Did it help me more than it hurt me to lie? Could I trust Ayaka with my secret? Could I even keep the secret to begin with?

Finally, I made my choice. "I'm gonna trust you." I admitted. "I'm not meant to be here."

"How do you mean?"

"If you went to the dictionary and looked up the definition of 'Abnormal Summoning', you'd find my boring mug plastered across the page. I am not meant to be here because _I am not a Heroic Spirit._ "

My statement struck her like a physical strike, making her recoil in surprise. "I… I don't understand."

"Neither do I. Suffice to say, I have no legend, I have no stories and I have no heroic deeds to my name. Bloody hell, _I was born in the modern age_."

"I can't believe that." Ayaka denied. "A Servant _must_ be a Heroic Spirit. You can't possibly be here if you aren't one."

"Counter Guardians and Wraiths say otherwise." I argued back. "But that's besides the point. It doesn't matter if its not _meant_ to be possible, it happened. I'm a modern man, with no experience in magic, and who has never fought a day in his life. I don't quite know what events led to me being here. Hell, I can't even remember what my last memory _is_." All I saw was a haze of generalisation about my recent life. It could have been a week or a year ago that my memories ended. Suffice to say, I had nothing tangible to grasp of how I got here, even if I knew everything important about the life I lived.

She sighed, rubbing her head slightly. "You're giving me a headache. This sounds so…"

"Incredulous? Ridiculous? Unlikely? Dumb?" I filled in the potential blanks with a cheery smile. "I couldn't agree more. How do you think _I_ felt coming to in a greenhouse with no idea how I got there, and with only a few seconds to get my bearings before a dumbass with a spear tried to shank me?"

She looked like she wanted to protest me, but her argument fell flat before she spoke it, and instead she gave me a resigned look. "It would be just my luck if this _were_ true. The weakest Master summons quite possibly the worst Servant possible."

"… I feel I should be offended."

She gave me a sharp look. "You yourself said that you have no legend or heroic deeds. Who knows how you even have the powers that you do." And then she threw her hands up in dismissal, before looking away with a glum pout.

"I have _you_ to thank for those 'powers', so don't feel too glum over it all." I told her. "As I said, I've never fought a day in my life, so I couldn't explain where those powers came from, but I _can_ say that even though I had them I had no clue how to even tap into them. It was only due to your Command Seal that I could activate them."

And now that I'd done it once, I could just feel the darkness just beneath the surface of my mind. It would be oh so simple to reach in and grasp at a necessary Ember…

"What do we do now, though?" Ayaka finally asked, after a good minute of silence after my mild compliment.

"Fucked if I know." I snorted. "I'm still adapting to the fact that I've somehow woken up in a Servants body and with powers I know I shouldn't have. I don't even know if I want the Grail at this point, or if I _can_ escape the Grail War." As I thought I had a few of the standard ideas about the Grail such as wishes to return home, or for power, or riches, and all that other good stuff, but I didn't exactly want it enough to risk my life for it (Except maybe the 'home' idea). "I'd be perfectly happy sitting this mess out."

If this was a normal bog-standard war, then I saw no real reason to risk my neck. And it wasn't like there was some Angra Mainyu I was basically obliged to stop either (Or at least I damn well _hoped_ I didn't).

Apparently, my words didn't reassure Ayaka so much as they did enrage her. "Don't you get it!? There _is_ no escape from the Holy Grail War! It's a death sentence." Here, her mood darkened greatly, and her hands shook. "I can't do this. I'm not like my sister. If she couldn't win… then how could I possibly do so?"

I had to admit that on some level I agreed with her. Servants are Bullshit with a capital B, but I felt more mediocre than anything. Even with everything I had, I hadn't made Lancer so much as bleed. I could draw power from those Phantoms, but even a hundred spectres have less substance than a single, true, honest-to-god hot-blooded human, and likewise, even with all the buffs I can manage, I still fall short.

… and yet, I didn't want to give up. Even if I didn't want the Grail, at the very least, I wanted to fight to stay alive for as long as I physically could.

"You're right." I admitted. "I've already told you that I'm basically a Fake playing at being a Servant, while you've told me that you're mediocre as a Magus. We both _know_ that. But… I sure didn't save your ass today just let it die again."

She cocked an eyebrow. "What are you saying?"

I tried to smile reassuringly, though I doubted it came across as such. "I'm definitely not a knight in shining armour, but I'll still try to protect you, even so. I know that me saying so isn't exactly… reassuring…" Like a blind man assuring you that he can _definitely_ navigate the six o' clock traffic, no problemo; or the sailor that guarantees the airtight capacity of his floating bathtub while gleefully bailing the water out with a bucket.

Here, I reached out a hand towards- leaving it outstretched for her to shake. "This will be the blind leading the blind, but I'll give this 'Servant' business my best shot. Maybe we're absolutely fucked, but I think we should fight, irrespective. Because maybe with some luck and some proper planning, we could _maybe_ live through this mess. So, whacchoo say, 'partner'?"

The 'partner' in question looked at me like I was an idiot playing football in the middle of traffic, but she didn't shout me down. At long last, she gave a weary smile and grasped my hand with her own. "I know I'm going to regret this, but since I'm probably going to die anyway, then the very least I can do is to choose to fight anyway, right?"

"That's the spirit!" I smiled, feeling a little bit more prepared for this mess. "The resolution is the first thing, I suppose. The next is actually doing it. So," I leant down and arched my fingers Gendo Ikari style. "we have seven odd hours to kill before it's probably safe to return to your home." Then the day would begin, when Lancer wouldn't be able to attack us due to the threat of the Mages Association coming down upon all of our heads.

"Meaning we'll need a lot of coffee?"

"Meaning we have _seven hours to plan_." Oh yes, it was time to scheme. We may not have had the brawn, but at the very least, we could damn well try to come up with some kind of strategy to get us through this. "Now tell me everything you know about the other combatants in this war, and exactly what your capabilities as a Magus are…"

XXXXXXXXXX

To cut a short strategy session shorter, Ayaka didn't exactly know much about the other combatants of the war as she spent most of her time with her head in the dirt trying to avoid thinking about the predetermined tournament meant to murder her.

… yeah, that seemed just as good an idea to as it did on paper. But _trauma_ , I guess? Ayaka doesn't seem to have an optimistic bone in her body and based upon what she thinks of the First War, it doesn't surprise me to know that she just honestly thought she was so doomed that it wasn't worth prepping.

That wasn't to say she was _useless._ Far from it- she was no Shirou Emiya. She was raised a Magus as opposed to Shirou whom had to fight for each and every scrap of knowledge and was more a Magecraft _user_.

We knew _one_ Master anyway. The Second Owner of this area of Tokyo: Misaya Reiroukan. Another orphan of the last war- Ayaka had spoken to her once and only once, as a formal necessity to continue practicing upon her land when the heads of both their families bit the bullet. _Technically_ , she could _not_ be a Master, but let's be honest here- she was exactly the right sort of person to be picked for a War like this.

At the moment we were assuming that she was the one holding Lancer's chains, but we could also be very wrong.

Unfortunately, Ayaka was a bit of a shut in when it came to the Moonlit World, so she had no other clues about who could be participating.

After that, our strategy session kind of trailed off to a close when we had nothing left to talk about. That led to this- me sitting on the roof of the McDonalds and watching the empty moonlit streets.

It had been decided that returning to Ayaka's home would be foolish when we'd last seen Lancer skulking about there, so we'd actually ended up deciding to hypnotise the staff again to ignore our presence while we rested in the company break room for the night. We'd return in the daytime.

I was certain that right here, right now, Ayaka was getting some important rest. I meanwhile, didn't actually need any sleep now that I was a Servant, so instead it seemed prudent to actually study my powers and learn more about them.

And so, I meditated. I looked inwards and tapped into the rapidly becoming familiar sensation of reaching out interacting with those Phantoms I perceived as Embers. I studied them, grasped them, and analysed them. It was tireless work. In the fight, I'd just kind of… known… the best Phantom to use (Most likely due to that Master's Degree order I received), but in truth, there were so many Phantoms that it seemed like in the future it would be better for me to have a proper understanding of just who I had available to me.

Already, just skimming the surface, I could feel so many different spirits. Some were familiar, such as the Horseman from earlier on. Others, less so. There seemed to be very little in common between them. Real people alongside clearly fictional characters, with archetypes and folklore and urban legends alike alongside them.

Der Freischutz, Doppleganger, Lopo, Allister Crowley… was that _Paul Bunyan_?

I just couldn't seem to understand exactly _what_ all these spirits were. I objectively knew that they were 'Phantoms' and that I liked to refer to them as 'Embers', but that seemed to be ingrained knowledge. I didn't know what a Phantom _was._

"Well, that's what I'm doing now, eh?" I mumbled, then clapped my hands together and started to draw on one of the 'nearest' Embers (The Hookman). I had hours to spare before Ayaka awoke, and I fully intended to figure out at least the basics, and maybe even have a good list of potential Phantoms ready for when we next had to fight.

If Phantoms were my way of fighting, then it was only natural that I knew exactly what weapons I had to work with. "This is gonna be a long night."

And so, I got to work.

XXXXXXXXXX

"Hey, Servant." I snapped to attention, my eyes immediately spinning to the source of the voice. Down on the ground level stood Ayaka, her clothes slightly dishevelled from her sleeping arrangements, and a tired look on her face.

"I do have a name, you know." I noted.

"Yes, and it would be dumb to use a True Identity out in the open like this." She replied, and wasn't wrong, even though it was utterly inapplicable to someone like me without a legend as nobody could possibly guess the truth of who I am with nothing but a name. "And since you haven't told me your Class yet, Servant will have to do."

"I'd tell you it if I knew what it was." With that, I looked around briefly to see if anyone was watching, and then activated one of the inherent powers I'd learned that I had over the course of the night. I shifted into the Astral Form all proper Servants are able to enter- becoming more a spirit than a physical entity. It felt utterly alien to assume a shape like this (Where I didn't draw breath, floated as opposed to walked and passed through physical items like they weren't there)- suffice to say, I intended to only use it when I absolutely had to. It was just a shame that Ayaka would likely make me remain in this form as much as she could, because it was the least Mana draining option.

Anyhow, in my new form I floated down from the rooftop and assumed a position behind her. "Brrrh, doing that feels the strangest." I told her, not really speaking but more projecting my voice telepathically.

Her only physical reply was to raise an eyebrow, seemingly uncaring of my complaint. She began walking, and so I followed her. "So, did you sleep well?"

"Not really." Ayaka projected, giving me no more than that.

"I guess that's what happens when you sleep on a cheap sofa. Ever stayed overnight at a fast food joint before?" I tried to inject some levity into my tone.

"Dumb question." Another short reply, lacking even a proper answer.

"Ready for another _fun_ day of this Holy Grail War?" This time my question was a _little_ more sarcastic, but could I be blamed for wanting to get some kind of response from her.

A glare this time- a response wasn't even deemed necessary.

"Oh, _fucking hell_. I'm just trying to make conversation." I rolled my eyes. "We're partners, you know. You're allowed to say more than two words at a time to me."

"And you aren't obliged to keep talking either." She snapped. "Can't you see that I don't want to talk?"

" _What a bitch."_ I thought to myself, forcibly making sure to _not_ send that thought across. I got the message though- no talkie.

That was fine. If she wanted some time to think, I could respect that, and I guess being pestered for conversation by an almost stranger at half six in the morning would bug anyone. I briefly tugged on one of the Phantoms I'd discovered last night, Inspector Goole (A form of the archetypal detective), to access the Skill he possessed- Discernment of the Poor (C), just to double check.

… ayup. She was annoyed. At me, yes, but it seemed that there was more bugging her than just that. Again, her massive hang up over her families slaughter in the last war comes into play. I'd gotten what little freaking out I needed to do out of the way early on, over the night when there was nobody around to see. Ayaka had just gone straight so sleep- she was certainly still worried about her participation in the War.

Unfortunately, I had no clue what to say to reassure her, since in many ways I was just as concerned, even if I was hiding it a little better. There was the cheat option of pulling on one of my Phantoms, but that seemed both cheap and fake, and I didn't even know of any at the minute would be able to help much. Admittedly Goole had a certain level of inherent charisma I could tap into (Charisma D+ to be exact), but he wasn't exactly a friendly man, and his form of Charisma was more 'beat sense into their head until they come around to your point of view'.

But even with all the potential Skills I could tap into amongst my Phantoms, none of them were 'psychology', so it seemed that I couldn't fix all her personal hang ups, no matter how nice that would have been.

"Are you sure you want to fight in this war?" I clarified, spontaneously.

"Yes. I'm annoyed…and scared… but I meant what I said before, Servant." She told me, before picking up the pace and walking further ahead of me. I shrugged, trailing behind her. Only time would see how she'd adapt to becoming my Master, I suppose.

 **AN- and so here it is. A story very different to the last one, Fate Finality, with this being the story of the SI as a Servant as opposed to a Master. In terms of Edward his powerset is based off the concept of Phantoms which appear in Grand Order and that were used to be fused with other Servants to grant them extra powers. Like Wraiths- something too small to be a Heroic Spirit.**

 **And Edward has AALLLLLLL the Phantoms. So, he is effectively both the weakest Servant and the most versatile. Because while his stats are low, his True Noble Phantasm is sealed for most of the war and he has a slowly growing limit on Phantoms, he also has the ability to adapt to fight any Servant and can change his tactics mid battle. He can arguably get his hands on most skills and weapon types, and with enough specialised Phantoms he can serve as a pseudo (fake) Servant of most of the classes. I could see him pulling off some tomfoolery to trick enemies about his own Class.**

 **Which is Shielder. Because reasons.**

 **Also, expect a lot of Manaka. Because at long last she has finally found something she doesn't automatically and undeniably know from conception due to her connection to the Root. Something from _outside_ the bounds of Akasha. And with Arthur unsummoned, the loli needs herself a new target...**

 **Fun fact- an alternate version of this idea is also written, with the setting shifted to Grand Order. Similar shenanigins also occur, however.**


	6. Choose Your Own Doom

**AN- welp. The only thing to note is exactly why it took so long for me to write something for Worm considering how much I love that universe. So behold! A rather confusing Multi-SI story.**

 **Worm: Choose Your Own Doom**

 **Jason**

When you wake up to find yourself face down in what can only be described as a descending cage, you know that your day is going to suck. For a moment, I laid there, just wondering what the fuck had happened to get me here. Connect A to B, B to C, y'know? Just what circumstances led to me being stuck here?

"Prisoner 2473, designated codename 'Lich'." A woman's voice rung out.

I blinked dumbly, then looked around to see whom was being addressed, but I was alone. "Wait a second."

"Prisoner 2473," the voice repeated. "this message is automated and therefore any attempts to speak are ultimately futile."

My mouth shut with a loud clack and I did as instructed. I still had no clue why I was here, but apparently, _I_ was Prisoner 2473, and if I was being called a prisoner…

" _Then THIS is a Jail. But what kind of jail uses elevators to get anywhere, and what am_ I _of all people doing here?"_ Hell, I was a uni student with a boring life and squeaky-clean record.

"Ordinarily, communication would be initiated before the one-way journey you are about to experience, but considering the circumstances, it was deemed necessary to delay until this point."

Circumstances? Like, what circumstances!? And what was that about this being a 'one-way journey'!? In the words of Han Solo, I had a bad feeling about this.

"Spontaneous appearance within the elevator shaft suggests that you were placed with purpose, and yet no records can be brought forth of us placing you there. Conclusion: Stranger effect. In other words, if you were placed here within this facility, it could only have been done by the proper authorities, even without any physical evidence proving as such."

"What the fuck!?" I found myself shouting- not even caring that apparently nobody would be listening to me. "Spontaneous appearance? No evidence? Did I even get a damn trial? What am I DOING here?"

But as expected, the message continued, uncaring of my words. "Suffice to say, escape is impossible. Across the lifespan of this facility, not a single occupant has been able to escape. This shaft is one way only- supplies may be deposited, but nothing leaves."

… this was getting way more Guantamano Bay than I liked, and I still didn't know why I was here.

"I was framed!" I insisted. "I'm literally a model citizen! Come on, you have to be fucking with me! I don't even know my crime!"

"In the event we are wrong, you have my personal apologies, but seeing as you have no official presence here and communication with the outside world is impossible, then nobody will ever know that you are here. I can wish you only the best for your stay here. Welcome, Prisoner 2473, to the Baumann Parahuman Containment Centre."

And then the recording stopped, and the elevator ground to a loud halt. The massive metal doors opened with a groan, revealing the interior of this prison. I made no move to step out though- because facts were falling into place.

"Stranger effect… the Baumann Parahuman Containment Centre, also known as the Birdcage. Fuck me!"

Because those were very familiar words- as was the concept of an inescapable prison with only one entrance. I would have to be an idiot to not put two and two together- especially as I had just recently finished reading through Worm for the second time a few days prior.

"Fuuuuuuck." Because I was a Self Insert stuck in WORM, probably one of the worst universes imaginable. Filled with Endbringers, a hundred-potential world ending threats just waiting to Trigger, and a depressed space whale only years away from committing mass multiversal genocide upon an experiment it no long cares to see to the end.

So yeah. Not only was I in Worm, but I was also in the prison filled to the brim with all the worlds worst convicted Parahumans- the Birdcage. "Double fuck."

And more than that, I could finally remember _why_ I was here. My last memory was falling to sleep, shortly after filling in a Worm CYOA template.

… yeaaaah. I was ninety percent sure that I'd just been ROB-bed.

"TRIPLE FUCK." It felt nice to swear, even if it didn't help me at all.

Finally, I accepted the inevitable and stepped out into the prison that would be my 'home' for the near foreseeable future. Now it was just a matter of figuring out what options I'd 'picked' and then somehow surviving this hellhole.

XXXXXXXXXX

 **Harry**

I was ridiculously happy to at least have woken up with a wallet full of wonderful, fresh cash. Finding myself in a fictional world is kind of terrible, but things seemed a little better with some food in my belly and a warm drink beside me to tentatively sip at while I went over everything I knew.

Woke up in an alleyway in expensive clothes I didn't own, with a mental dictionary filled with knowledge not my own and the persistent alert in my mind that told me exactly what the weather was in any given area around me.

So yeah- I was doing Worm CYOA. Time to figure out exactly how fucked I was.

Taking a pen from my pocket and one of the dozen napkins I'd collected with my sandwich, I started to write down everything I remembered giving myself. Luckily, it had only been last night or so when I did it, and I liked to think that my memory was above average.

Hermetic Magic + Mental archive

Wildcard Power (Probably weather manipulation, albeit low tier)

Twinsies: Uber

Resources

Yeah, when I fill in a CYOA I like to see just how strong I can get for the least amount of points. Getting the most bang from my buck. Hermetic Magic from Ars Magica is always fun, while its magic system completely ruined every other system for me, so I'd used that as the basis for my character. I rolled the dice with a Wildcard and ended up with a pretty weak one. Thus the final two options: the powers of someone able to learn any skill/ability with a high amount of proficiency and the resources to be able to make the most of what I wanted.

So in terms of powers, I didn't think I was too bad off, even in a universe as bad as Worm. It will take me time- a lot of it- but given enough of it and I'll have some pretty broken stuff under my belt. I'm an optimum Hermetic Mage now- I knew that. A Magus with the resources to get the absolute best workshop possible, with a versatile magic system, the mental knowledge to be able to actually use it and the ability to learn any 'ability' quickly albeit only one.

Now, doesn't Hermetic Magic sound and act more as an ability than pure mysticism?

"But what am I up against?" That was the next thing to consider, so I continued scribbling away. I'd began on Skitter Mode, so there _had_ to be some Disadvantages that I'd taken.

Wanted: Endbringers.

Magneto's Rage?

" _Yeah. I definitely earned some points by making myself an Endbringer target. And I think I also used one of those 'Things Get Worse' features from a later CYOA to get Magento's Rage. Didn't sound_ too _bad. Just more villains, less heroes."_

But there was one last thing… what had it been!? I rapped my forehead, and took another sip. What had it been!?

Almost as if through divine aid, my attention was suddenly drawn to the only television in the café- the one that the owner had just turned up to take a closer look at the news report.

"-casualties are high. This is the third bombing this month." The woman on screen said sombrely. "We have our Cape correspondent with us here, Trisha Hanahama. What's your take on this?"

An Asian woman to her left took the cue, and began to speak. "This is definitely the work of the Blue Empress- or at least one of her agents, anyway. The bombings have been consistent and have been targeting places of key infrastructure across America. In summary, its _far_ too widespread to be the work of anything but an organisation."

"And the Blue Empress is the obvious conclusion." The first woman agreed. "The Wardens have so far been quiet on the matter, and have been sticking to their former statement: that things are still being investigated. I for one just hope that the culprit is caught soon."

I snapped fingers. "Oh yeah. _That_ was the last thing."

Things Get Worse- Horrific: Blue Empress Invades

I quickly finished off the rest of my hot drink, and rose to my feet. "Dang it. I think I've screwed the pooch on this one."

Not like I'd expected I'd get stuck in my own CYOA template, after all. The end result is the same though- Earth Bet's odds of survival had just taken a steep dive. Now not only was an Alternate Earth invading at the behest of a parahuman Tyrant, I'd also fucked up society so that half of all canon heroes were now villains- and that any Protectorate in this AU was way more fucked.

"But you know what they say. You break it- you buy it."

And I just so happened to have enough wealth to make Bruce Wayne jealous, and enough magic mojo to do some ridiculous stuff. It was time to get experimenting- because I had very little time. Ten years in all.

Ten years to get stronger.

Ten years to deal with all the canon issues looming in the background.

Ten years to put a stop to this Blue Empress.

Ten years to get tough enough to be able to punch out Scion even _with_ all the disadvantages we had.

Ten years, counting down from… now.

XXXXXXXXXX

 **Todd**

It was only half two, and I was already looking for some skinheads to beat up. I had a metric fuck tonne of stress to work off, and picking a fight with the Merchants seemed relatively harmless. There was me, buffed up by a ROB and armed with a plethora of badass powers, and then there was the Merchants- a couple of druggies with a few Capes and the reputation of Donald Trump.

Hell, considering everything, it could only be easier for me now.

Luckily, this was Brockton Bay, and I was in the Docks. Finding the Merchants was almost pathetically easy. A couple of skinheads with bands around their wrists, harassing a Chinese woman.

"Give your wallet, bitch!" The leader snarled- a short man with a balaclava on, while the second of the band of seven cheered him on.

"Excellent." I said, loudly. "If this isn't the most stereotypical thing I've ever seen, then who knows what is?"

"What the fuck did you say?" The teen with bloodshot eyes and a knife grunted, turning to look at me and my rather hastily put together costume- nothing but a hoodie tied tight around my mouth and lower face, and a pair of cheap sunglasses.

"You heard me. If there was a magazine for Petty Crime Anonymous, then you'd be this month's front cover." I was riling them up- trying to piss them off. I wanted them angry- because I wanted a fight, I really did.

"Do you _want_ to get shanked or something?"

"Maybe a little." I admitted. Then with a small assertion of will and a flick of my hand, I manifested a sword. It was effortless really, and I knew that if I focused I could make way larger, more powerful and more numerous blades. Hell, I could probably do an Emiya Shirou impersonation if I really wanted to.

Key words: if I _wanted to_. Wildcard: Nothingness Blade Creation at rank 10.

… yeah. That would ordinarily be quite broken, but considering the circumstances and the dumbass wielding it, I figured that things were probably a lot less cool. Sure, I'd taken Twinsies: Black Kaze, Charles Atlas Superpower and Apprentice: RWBY to make a pretty brutal combat style, but up against Gods shanking something a few times really isn't good enough.

And so here I was, forging the absolute absence of the void itself… and making the equivalent of a blunt baton. Because dang it, I didn't want to kill them, just bruise them a little.

"Cape!" One of the normies in the group yelled, and so consequently the two masked individuals cursed and immediately attacked. It was only now that I saw that they were Capes, now that they were attacking. The first one clapped his hands, and from the impact point what seemed to be a small wave of energy fired. Then the second ones power activated- his arms grew longer and thicker, and then with a massive swipe I had something like a beefy log heading towards my face.

I laughed, and then I swung my 'sword'. I felt Kaze's power activate, and then I disappeared in a flicker of motion. For a second it was like I saw a hundred rapid fire images, and then I was behind both Logarm and Shockwave Guy. I made an exaggerated motion, as if sheathing a sword, and turned around. Behind me, I saw massive marks running along the floor, and two unconscious Capes with dozens of whacks each.

To be honest, it was all theatrics at this point in time. I turned back to the five remaining Merchants and leered.

"Run away!" they yelled, and turned tail to sprint away. But I couldn't have that- I'd barely sated my battle lust. Another dull void sword appeared in my hands, and I swung once more, and appeared in the midst of them. Then, with my superior physical conditioning, I laid into them one by one- not even using my powers. I wasn't trained, but nor were they- I just wanted to feel some kind of _satisfaction_.

Number 3 went down first, but the rest put up a bit of a fight. Number 4 was able to duck beneath my swing, while 5 and 6 tried to come at me from behind. I felt a fist slam into me and winced- the pain was enough to remind me to tap into the one power I'd yet to use- my Aura.

It took a conscious decision to raise my Aura- like straining a muscle. But then when the next blows came I was utterly able to ignore them.

I concentrated on number 4. By my will, the shard of nothingness given shape expanded- the baton became more a staff, which I used to bludgeon him.

5 had drawn his knife and lunged. I could feel my Aura still, so I didn't worry. I let him come in, bounce off my Aura, then countered knocking him out. Two left.

6 gave a final massive battle cry accompanied by a torrent of swear words, then Leroy Jenkins'ed it. One massive swing, like a baseball bat, and he was down for the count.

That left 7- who was already running the hell away. But I wasn't going to let him get away. "Get back here!" I shouted, and then I pulled. It was more a metaphorical tug more than anything- but I summoned a void baton- and tugged it straight towards me. It moved by my will and smacked the breath right of the last goon before reaching my hands- where it vanished like all the other blades.

" _Well, they are made of_ nothingness _, I suppose that they really don't like to stay in a physical form."_

And like that, it was over. I'd beaten up seven men, two of whom were Parahumans, with nothing to show for it but a slight bruise on my shoulder I could already feel mending- as if my Aura was a soothing balm upon it.

"You saved me." The Asian lady noted.

I laughed a little, before turning away to look for more enemies to hunt. "Believe me. I didn't do it for you."

Nah- this was all for me. A pointless act of violence to try and release some pent-up tension. I sighed and looked up to the skies. "Welp, ten years, counting down now."

Ten years. Just ten short years before I and everybody on this planet died. Oh sure, in the _canon_ everything had turned out peachy perfect. But this wasn't the canon. It was anything but.

I knew this more than anybody, because I was the dumbass that fucked the world upon ever more than it had already been. I had picked Skitter Mode and carelessly paid for my powers by selecting the drawback Appolyonvese- the theoretical world Wildbow had selected where a bigger, more dangerous Entity than Scion and Eden combined had showed up and consumed them both.

Back when this had been an internet exercise in powergaming and time-killing, it had seemed fun. After all, I was never gonna write a fic of it, but it was fun to imagine. Except now that thought was a reality.

Scion was gone. Eden was dead. Parahumans were more numerous, but also doubly weak. A new, far more insidious cycle is now in effect- one going According To Plan.

This world was fucked. Completely and utterly. "So, sometimes its just a matter of throwing in the towel and knowing when to quit."

We'd lost before we'd even begun. I had no delusions at all- this wasn't even a game worth playing. All I was doing was futilely playing with the pieces before they were all put away.

" _I'm gonna go beat up some Merchants. And then I'll beat up a Dragon. And then I'll rob a few Nazi's or something. Then maybe I'll call up this worlds Tattletale and kill Coil for cash, or something. And then I'm gonna go find a nice tropical island somewhere, and try to enjoy the last few years before the apocalypse."_

Because some people are heroes, and some people _aren't_. And I was the latter.

XXXXXXXXXX

 **Robin**

I _really_ didn't like Brockton Bay. From the moment I'd woken up in an alleyway with only the clothing on my back and the understanding that something was _very_ wrong, I knew this. Hell, I knew that Brockton Bay was terrible before I was even dropped in this dump.

But I had _definitely_ figured this out the moment I accidentally picked a fight with _Lung_.

Now, one wonders how you accidentally do this. Well, it's a long story involving the testing of superpowers and accidentally setting the building he was staying within on fire.

 _Poisonous_ fire. Suffice to say, Lung had not been very happy to have his pad set alight, and I was very _un_ happy to have had the bad luck to have set HIS house of all the house on fire upon this evening.

"First evening in, and what do I do?" I muttered as I leapt backwards with supernatural grace. "I go and fuck things up. That's what I do."

"Ahm go'ng t' killc'hoo." Lung's voice rang out, already barely understandable through his maw that was now spitting flames. Scales ran along his body, while heat pooled around him like a second skin.

"You said that before." I said, leaping back again. Unfortunately, I actually tripped of all things, sliding over due to the force of my leap. I'd been venturing out tonight to test out my new powers, so naturally I knew fuck all about using them, and it seemed that I was going to have to pick them up in a tutorial battle with a ridiculous difficulty curve.

Lung laughed, and then threw a fireball at me. I flinched away from the heat, but emerged unscathed. Perhaps it was my Magic Resistance in motion? Either way, it gave me time to recover my footing and leap high into the air. I landed atop a nearby building, giving me a high vantage point of the battlefield.

To be honest, I was largely on the verge of just running away. I was still testing my abilities, and an untrained combatant can be just as dangerous to themselves as the enemies. Plus, Poison-Fire Manipulation isn't the best of elements to use against a _fucking dragon_.

" _I do have my second powerset though…"_ After all, there was a reason I'd been able to jump up here to begin with. My first choice of power when I made that CYOA document last night was the Greater Power: Servant. One trip to the Nasuverse wikia and a few random pages later, and I'd landed on my first Servant- Medusa. Lancer Medusa, more accurately. Not _loli_ Lancer Medusa, even more accurately.

Consequently, there were still my Noble Phantasm's that I hadn't tried yet. _"But Bloodfort Andromeda can't be set up that quickly, and Harpe is probably too lethal for this situation."_ My heart still wasn't ready to kill. I'd acknowledged that I may need to, but nor had I thought I would need to this early on.

"Well, there is _that_ I suppose." I murmured, but then again turning someone to stone might as well be considered killing them. "Why is it so damned hard not to murder someone!?"

Almost as if reaffirming my words, I suddenly felt a massive stab of pain. I looked behind myself to see a masked demon face, and a knife in my shoulder. Oni Lee had joined the battlefield. With a snarl, I lashed out with my B Rank Strength and A Rank Agility. Oni Lee has the power to teleport, but A Rank speed is still _ridiculously stupid_. I saw him be thrown away by my strike, before he crumbled away.

" _Clone, damn it."_ I poked at the wound. It had kinda been unforgivable that I hadn't noticed him coming- I had SERVANT capabilities, after all. Didn't mean I had to experience to use it, however.

BANG! A massive thud, and then the building around me started to crumble. I looked down as I jumped away from the rubble. I saw a giant snake emerge from the rubble- long and thick and green, with a forked tongue and red eyes. Like, there were snakes, and then there were snakes thick enough to make a tree look jealous.

"Since when the fuck did the ABB have you!?" I yelled, before blinking dumbly. "Oh yeah. Never mind."

This was an AU after all… it made sense that different characters may end up making appearances.

The snake struck again, ploughing through another section of the building and forcing me to leap to another building… where Oni Lee promptly reappeared, with an open grenade in his hand. I pulled on the power inside me- the Poisonous Fire- and then I _forced_ it into the world and flung it at the Demon, before moving on. This time I'd seen Lung clambering up the building, and knew better than to stand still.

"Look, I'm sorry about burning your laz e boy!" I told him, flinging another quick burst of poisonous fire at him, which he shrugged- only growing taller and hotter as he emerged from the destruction visibly sizzling (Both physically and literally- with more metal scales replacing where his flesh is dissolved).

"Ki' 'oo!" And then the dragon charged, and I leapt out the way. On instinct, I heard movement and blasted without thinking. Another Oni Lee clone down- but the main body was still around and kicking.

… Oh, the snake is back. I turned around, and then I punched the stampeding snake with _all my strength_. Considering I have the baseline B Strength stat and I'm pretty sure I tapped into Monstrous Strength then, it was pretty fucking strong. You could audibly hear the crack as my bare fist met scale… which lasted a brief second before imploding.

"Fuuuuuck. Did I just kill them?" I cursed. A closer inspection revealed that the snake was dissolving and that a distinct human body could be seen amongst it. A quick kick, and my conscience was cleared.

"Sta' st'll!" Lung growled.

"How about no!?" I replied, and then I did something different. I made Fire Poison not _Poison Fire_. Thick purple mists gathered around me, and then with a flick of my arm it flooded towards the dragon man. Within seconds I could hear the draconic man cry out in pain as the gas no doubt started burning and blinding him. Through the fog I saw him grow stronger and larger, and I knew that perhaps I was pushing my luck.

"Okay, its been fun, but it hasn't, so I'm out of here. Bye!" And with that, I turned around and sprinted away across buildings. Faster and faster until the world was a blur, and the Docks could barely be seen. Only when I was sure I was a few miles away did I finally stop running. With a pant and a sigh, I dropped to the floor of the rooftop. "Daaaamn am I fast."

I guess that's a Servant for you. Pretty damn bullshit. Still, I couldn't stay on the roof all day. So I leapt down into the alleyway, checked if there was anybody about, and when I didn't see anybody I let my powers fade. It was like the rush of an energy drink had worn out, and I basically flopped. Before my eyes I could see my body change in a flash of light as every bit of the Servant Lancer vanished from my person, and all my supernatural physical capabilities returned to a sealed state.

It felt odd being so slow and weak after taking a Servants body for a spin, but I had to admit that it was nice being back in my regular body. My hand went to my groin almost subconsciously- affirmingly so. _"Yup. Dick's still there."_

Because wasn't it just the worst when you have to _literally change genders_ to get your badass powerup package? "Thank fuck for Man of Mystery. I'd never live this down otherwise."

Genderbending aside though, I couldn't say that I'd had a bad deal, power wise. My Poison-Fire abilities were pretty versatile, while my Servant battle form had a lot of power to it that my flimsy mortal frame just couldn't match up to. Having a pair of tits was a small price I was willing to pay- especially if it was to gain the strength necessary to survive this world.

It had been bad in the canon, but now things would arguably be even worse, so I needed all the power I could get my hands on, and all the experience to use it to. "Eh, I suppose that this is what happens when you pay for superpowers not with trauma but imaginary numbers. You have to deal with Seven Blasphemies and the wrong fucking entity."

Because of me and the choices I'd made filling in my CYOA template, Eden lived, whereas Scion died. Therefore, since it was my responsibility, I was going to have to kill the Space Whale, wasn't I?

"Luckily, I probably have just the weapon for the job." Harpe, the Immortal Slaying Scythe.

But before I kill a god, I need to deal with the little things. Like, y'know, finding shelter so I don't have to sleep on the streets. Little problems. Little problems.

XXXXXXXXXX

 **Alice**

"Now presenting, the Butterfly Princess!" the vaguely goblin like creature announced, and I found myself rolling my eyes at just how ridiculous it still sounded. Still, as much as I disliked it, the name was a useful shield, and was probably the sole reason I was still alive right now.

Not many people lived to tell the tale after seeing the Goblintown in the centre of Ellisburg. And considering a bloody ROB had dropped me here as my starting location, I was basically fucked from the get-go, especially with my powerset.

Mystical Martial Arts, Lust Manipulation, Butterfly Physiology and Wand Magic. Except wait- martial arts can only take you so far against an army of goblins and was even less useful since I was stuck in the underdeveloped body of a 12-year-old, literally refused to use the second power and got very little from the third save for giant wings. There _was_ Harry Potter based Wand Magic… but that kind of requires a _wand_.

If I hadn't been able to channel a little through my Mystical Martial Arts I very likely wouldn't have been able to prove I even possessed magic. That little detail plus Nilbog's obsession with fairy tales and my wings had led to him declaring me a princess. If it wasn't for that, I likely would have died within ten minutes of starting this damned CYOA thing.

So, if all my survival needed was for me to play a part, then play the part I would. I put four years of acting into practice, put on my game face, and entered the Court of the Goblin King.

Immediately upon entering the room, my eyes ran over the familiar scene waiting for me at the table. At the head of the massive slab serving as the table sat the Goblin King himself, Nilbog. He was here in person, to my surprise, instead of using one of his bloated flesh-puppets in his place. He gave a wide smile, and laughed boisterously. "Welcome, Butterfly Princess! We have an excellent spread today, do we not? Take a seat!"

"Indeed, my King. The food looks…" disgusting. Horrifying. As if it was just vomited out by one of the various monstrosities littering the place (Which it was)? "- exquisite." I finally answered, as calmly as I could. I thanked my lucky star that I remembered how to curtsy, then took my place at the table- directly to Nilbog's left. As I sat I saw the looks of hate in the eyes of the rest of the Court, though it was hidden by passive grimaces that resembled something akin to a smile.

"Oh how it brings a smile to my face to see my table filled with more loyal nobles." Nilbog commented, reaching out to grab a leg of unknown meat and bring the greasy flesh to his mouth.

"Indeed, I am oh so glad the guards didn't cause any unnecessary damage." The man directly to my left and further down the table remarked. Much to my surprise at the time of meeting him, he wasn't a goblin or any other creation of Nilbog. No- this man and the five other 'people' at the table were most definitely parahumans.

This was one major change from the canon I knew… so I could only speculate what else was different. Though for the life of me I didn't know _why_ things were different- especially as all my Disadvantages were quite small like my Pint-Sized status, Wanted status and placement in Ellisburg upon entry. I _did_ have an Enemy… but I also had no clue how that could lead to this.

"Ohoh, I am certain I would have been fine, 'Toymaker'." I said with a disdainful amount of snobbery in my tone.

"Now, now, little girls should be seen and not heard." The person across from me but at the very edge of the table- the furthest away from Nilbog noted. Adorned in a dress of leaves and twigs, she lived up to the name Dryad.

"And _gardeners_ should learn how to address their betters." The man to her left said, and gestured to his position further along the table than her with a cocky grin.

"As if a glorified _dogwalker_ can talk." She snapped back.

The snippy dialogue continued, with the occasional other Parahuman chipping in. I managed to resist sighing at the sight- because I was glad that at least the court was bothering each other for a change as opposed to me. _"It's a dog eat dog world here, and everybody wants to be on top."_

I'd gotten lucky to end up as one of the top 'nobles' here so quickly, having only been here for a week. I doubted that I'd managed to maintain my position for long though. The others had years of experience getting in Nilbogs favour- as I suspected that most of them had been here from the start. That was fine though- they could spend their time trying to rise to the top of this 'kingdom'. All I needed was time and resources- to craft a Wand and find a way to escape when I saw my chance- and then I would be _gone_.

"-and how does our beloved _princess_ intend to aid us?" the man directly across from me said, snapping me out of my reverie. I cursed myself for losing focus- I couldn't afford to lose face.

"We are still considering our options." I began, trying to act as aloof as possible. "As a princess, I hold the right to keep my opinions to myself, do I not?"

The Vizier shook his head. "Or are you merely wishing to avoid the topic?"

"Excuse me, for I am but a little girl." I gave the most innocent and girlish smile I could- biting the inside of my lip to prevent myself from swearing at the man who had been the bane of my existence for the last week. "Surely a brave and strong aid to our marvellous king should be able to resolve a matter as small as this?"

"You call _this_ small?" Knight said in disbelief.

"We have greater concerns." I stated- though in truth I really had no clue how bad whatever this issue is.

"Enough!" Nilbog snarled, slamming a hand upon the table. The Court was silent within moments- it wasn't safe to anger the only thing in the room preventing the bloodthirsty goblins from butchering you. "The king tires of this ceaseless arguing."

"Forgive us, my King, but the topic is a worrying one." The Vizier noted. "After all, when a foreign kingdom seeks alliance, then it is of paramount importance."

"Bah!" Nilbog brushed his words aside. "If they want our help, then they can damn well come in person. I shall not act on the word of an _emissary_."

" _Emissary? Foreign Kingdom? Shit- is an outside force trying to_ recruit _Nilbog or something?"_ It was an incredulous thought, but Jack Slash had tried in canon. The idea of Nilbog leaving his little kingdom was a worrying one… by the day I could only wonder how AU this world presently was.

"But those are problems for tomorrow." He continued. "For today, let us eat and be merry! Polka has prepared us a grand feast, and we should enjoy it, should we not?"

With that, talk ended for the moment, as we all instead turned to our food. There would be time for more court politics afterwards, it seemed. For now, I just needed to survive this meal without offending anyone too badly.

" _Damn am I disgusted by where this meat comes from… but in its favour, if you squint a little then it_ does _taste a little like chicken."_

 **AN- and thus the stage is set. Five SI's Did the CYOA and are dumped into the bizarre amalgamation of all their poor character creation decisions. Eden lives and has got hitched to Appolyon, Wardens stand against Shephards and war seems inevitable, offscreen the Blue Empress plots and invasion _also_ seems inevitable, Three Blasphemies became Seven and moved to the States, the concept of 'hero' never caught on and Warlords crop up like weeds, while the mysterious Bodhisattva rises through the ranks of the Wardens, slowly amassing power for unknown reasons...**

 **And to face them, our heroes!  
** **Jason: or as he eventually comes to be known, the Barber. He who unleashed the Bodhisattva, and has to 'unite the League'  
Robin: the Bloody Magical Girl that turns into a monster and has seven to contend with.  
Todd: the flashing blade of void dumb enough Appolyon upon the Wormverse. Wants to sit this one out.  
Harry: Sorcerer Supreme, Hermetic Magus, he closest to being Batman. He also started the war with the Blue Empress and caused half of all heroes to become villains, but who's keeping track?  
Alice: the deaged, adorable magical martial artist... who was also like the only person not responsible for one of the World Ending threats now hitting Worm. "Don't pick the end of the world! It isn't hard!"**

Long story short, this would be an idea tackling with immense Badass and also immense Bullshit. Escalation at its highest, dealing with all the cool AU elements that no CYOA protagonist is ever dumb enough to select. Alas, if you give Sauron a Death Star, then the heroes need Lightsabers. And so we have 5 SI's, all with powers mildly bullshit if used right, to fight them. Now if only they can unite, fix the broken world of their own creation, and Row Row Fight The Power.

 **Alas, a story I will likely never tackle. Too much to do, and too many POV's. A lot of fun potential here though (Jason in particular is awesome and I'm sad I didn't get chance to show him off in this snippet). But yeah, if I had the chance, I think I would enjoy this, if only for letting me explore such an AU Wormverse.**


End file.
